When I was six years old, he went to his prom and I was devastated that I didn’t get to put on a pretty dress like his girlfriend, Luna, who I hated because I wanted to be the only girl in his life. But the next day, he told me to put on my prettiest dress and he set up a makeshift prom in our living room. With a cake and punch and everything. I was even crowned Prom Queen.

I was seven when he left for college and I cried myself to sleep every night for three months. Even though he called and texted and emailed, it wasn’t enough. I missed him so deeply. I missed him in a way that I assume was similar to missing a parent. Looking back, I wonder if him leaving stirred up feelings of being left by my birth parents.

Remember, I am a black girl with a white family; I knew I was adopted early on.

James never moved back in after college, except for that first summer. I was eleven then and it didn’t seem like he had the same amount of time as before. He was always working and didn’t have time for me and my Barbies like he did before. I even tried to sit next to him while he did work and write in my journal to seem more grown up. He would just chuckle before getting on the phone barking about numbers.

So now you can see how being around James all my life has created a bit of a complex, right?

I was fourteen when my older brother also became my first crush. He came home from New York for the weekend with way more facial hair, biceps and tattoos, and for the first time, I saw him as a man. He scooped me up in his arms like he always did and squeezed me and feeling all of those muscles and hard abs pressed against me made me feel like I was going to faint.

I knew it was wrong and taboo, but I knew nothing would come from it. So, I felt safe, only living out this fantasy in my dark and twisted mind. But sometimes, late at night when the air was still and the house was quiet, I’d explore my body. Pretending it was his touch, his fingers, his mouth on me.

Somewhere in that same deep and twisted space, I imagined that one day, we’d cross that line. And in those moments, I damned my soul to hell for eternity because I knew given the chance, I’d take it.

Chapter One