I did all of that, too, of course, but I went even further … so much further than even that … (Smiles.) I shouldn’t smile. It’s not at all appropriate and it’s not because I’m happy or proud or, or … but it’s not shame, I know that much. It’s not one of those smiles you do when you’re in a moment of panic or caught out … it’s not that, either. It’s just … there was a moment there where I had it all. My life with Eric. A job that I liked and was respected for and then … for a few short months … I had Tommy as well. Tommy. Doing things to me … with his mouth and his … you know what I mean … things that I had never, ever felt in my entire life. And it was good. It was so, so good. (Beat.) … it couldn’t last and it didn’t but while it did … I was in a kind of Heaven that I have never been a part of before or since … (Beat.) But yes, I did lie to him about things to have it all my way. I did do that … and yet, even now, with what’s going on … I don’t think that I would’ve done it any other way. I really, really don’t. (Beat.) Eric was easy enough. That took very little work, to find time after school or on weekends to get away, to meet up with Tommy, that was simple, really. We were so deep into our marriage at that point … so much a couple but so consumed by our own private things … a little fib here or two words there implying a meeting or a luncheon or a movie … and I was free to do as I liked. That was the easy part. Eric. (Beat.) But Tommy—he was a different challenge all-together. Making him stay hungry for me … wanting more of what he knew he shouldn’t ever even be having … to keep that going was what took so much time … but it was just so … perfect. For a few months there. Honestly … no matter what it’s like for you to hear … it’s more important for me to say it clearly and truthfully out loud because it’s honestly how I feel … I loved it! Every second of every day when that boy was fucking me … I LOVED it!!

She stops for a moment, overcome by the thought of what has passed between the two of them. After a beat, she continues: