You hear this pretty often: new callers apologising for having the audacity to phone up a crisis line. For having the nerve to feel desperate or lonely or sad. For having the sheer brass neck to admit that they’re in pain. Always makes me wonder how many people have chosen not to reach out for exactly that reason. How many lives have been derailed or ruined or even lost because people were too… British to seek help.

‘So, how are you feeling?’ I ask again. The line crackles as the woman sighs into her phone.

‘I’m just, erm… Not brilliant, to be honest.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘Well, thanks.’ The woman gives a forced laugh. She’s got a nice voice – husky and full of humour, the ghost of a Northern accent just audible. She sounds around about my age, though obviously I can’t tell for sure.

‘This is stupid, really,’ she says. ‘There are people with actual problems trying to get through to you and I’m calling up because of an Instagram comment about my boobs.’

There’s a short pause – during which I try to work out if she just said what I think she just said – and then the line is flooded with a sound that could either be laughter or crying. Possibly a mixture of the two.

‘I, erm…’ I don’t really know what to say, to be honest. They don’t exactly prepare you for this kind of comment in training. I briefly consider typing ‘Instagram boobs’ into the computer’s advice search bar, but decide against it. It probably wouldn’t be a great look if anyone here keeps track of the Internet history.

The snuffling dies out suddenly, and the woman’s voice is so quiet I can barely hear it. ‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’

‘Just because you’re not feeling brilliant it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you,’ I say. ‘We all feel not-brilliant every now and then.’

‘Yeah.’ The woman sighs. I hear her take a large gulp of something, and then the clink of glass as she puts it back down. ‘But lately it’s all the time,’ she says. ‘And I can’t even really put my finger on why. Nothing big has even happened.’

‘I’m guessing something must have happened, or you wouldn’t be calling?’

‘Yeah… Well, like I say, it’s stupid. A friend left a comment on my Instagram and it just made me realise how much I miss her.’

‘Does she live far away?’ I ask.