Elliot looked at her and smiled in a way he never had before. She rather liked it.

‘Sho, as I was shaying,’ said Ares, ‘what we need ish a roush, a schecret, a dishguishe . . .’

‘Top-hole,’ said Zeus. ‘That’s just the ticket. I’ll lead the charge.’

‘Pfffffft,’ snorted Hera in derision.

‘Something to say, O wrinkly one?’ Zeus snarled.

‘I’m just suggesting that you are perhaps not best placed to lead the attack.’

‘How dare you!’ Zeus said. ‘I’m a master of disguise.’

‘Is that so?’ said Hera, leaning forward and hitting a button that unfurled a giant piece of parchment from the ceiling. ‘As the Council is aware, I have been observing the Olympians for some time. You can read my key findings in my report, Past It and Useless. But a picture paints a thousand words. I feel that this sorry episode sums up my concerns even more elegantly than I can.’

Hera flicked a remote control, projecting a film on to the giant parchment screen. Virgo had a feeling this wasn’t going to be a celebration of Zeus’s finest achievements.

‘That’s the Tower of London,’ said Zeus. ‘This is hardly the time for your ruddy holiday snaps.’

‘I don’t have any holiday snaps,’ said Hera. ‘You got the camera in the divorce.’

‘You got my dog!’ shouted Zeus. ‘I loved Herodotus.’

‘Oh, he’s a wonderful companion – he’s getting so big now,’ said Hera smugly. ‘I’ll show you some photos . . . Oh no, that’s right. I don’t have a camera.’

‘What the deuce is this?’ said Zeus as the film began. ‘What on Earth has this got to do with Thanatos and . . . oh.’

Elliot craned his neck to see. The battle at the Tower of London played on the screen. Zeus and his children cringed with shame as their butts were handed to them by a quartet of zombie beefeaters.

‘This is brilliant!’ guffawed Taurus, snorting a piece of popcorn out of his nose. ‘I haven’t laughed this hard since Satyrs Do the Funniest Things.’

Hera’s thin lips curled into a triumphant smile as the chamber rang with laughter. Virgo waited for Zeus to wipe it off her face with a thunderbolt.

‘Doesn’t look like you’re in any fit state to trick Thanatos,’ said Hera, pausing the film. She gestured to the image of Zeus flat on his back with his legs in the air. ‘And as for those poor mortals – how do you propose protecting them when you can’t defeat four pensioner beefeaters?’

‘Lady Hera hash a point,’ said Ares. ‘For thish plan to work, we need shtealth. Apologiesh, Zeush, but you’re about ash shtealthy ash a dinoshaur.’

‘Besides,’ Hephaestus grumbled. ‘You’re too ruddy big.’

‘Steady on, old boy,’ said Zeus, sucking his stomach in defensively.

‘We need someone smaller to fit in . . . the thing,’ said Hephaestus. ‘Besides – you still can’t go to the Underworld.’