‘But I want to give away those clothes because they are old clothes. Mom did that as a way of reaching out to me … which was nice. Until she said that she was worried I was going to turn into an old maid. And that she was working with a really nice young guy named Chuck at Angels Assist who would be perfect for me …’

‘Because, like you, he’s a daily communicant?’

Klara let out a laugh and gave me a light punch in the arm.

‘And I thought I was subversive.’

‘Is his name really “Chuck”?’

‘Yeah, there’s something that makes me uneasy about a “Chucky” who’s also a right-to-lifer. Mom lives in her own parallel fantasy universe – where I am her perfect little girl who is going to come to the church and meet the right guy and give her grandchildren. Even though she knows that all of those fantasies will come to nothing.’

‘I think the truth is a little more complex and sad,’ I said. ‘She doesn’t know how to talk to you. She really disagrees with everything you stand for. That scares her. Because she misses you …’

‘Yet she also keeps me at a distance because she doesn’t want to even consider my point of view. And, as I said before, she always looks at me and thinks about your dead son. Had he lived would I even be here?’

‘Don’t think bad stuff like that. You are everything to me.’

She touched my shoulder.

‘I know that,’ she said. ‘And it means so much. But Mom … her faith, her belief … it’s her way of seeing things or not seeing things. I feel lost with her.’

I lit up a fresh cigarette, telling myself it was the last of the evening … and knowing that to be a lie.

‘Feeling lost …’ I finally said. ‘That’s how most of us stagger through the day.’

twelve

I DRANK THAT one last beer with Klara – but didn’t leave for another two hours. We kept talking and talking into the wee hours. Knowing that my daughter started work at nine, I finally called it a night when it was almost one in the morning.

‘Sorry I kept you up so late,’ I said when I stood up to leave.

‘I’m a vampire,’ she said. ‘I need little sleep. And I am happy to have a dad I can hang with well after midnight.’

I was back at my house forty minutes later. As I parked out front I was surprised to see a light on in our kitchen. Agnieska was at the table, her hands around a steaming mug of tea.

‘Couldn’t sleep,’ she said as I entered. ‘Decided to make myself a cup of something to knock me out. Good day?’

‘Same old, same old. But I did just spend several hours with our daughter.’

She suddenly looked very scared.

‘Why were you with her? Did something happen?’