‘I want to apologize for that last comment. It sounded far too bitchy, a little mean. The truth is: becoming an evangelical Christian probably kept my cousin alive. Of course she got herself into AA. Went to intensive Bible classes and became beyond learned on all lessons to be learned from the Good Book. She rebuilt her business. She started giving inspirational motivational talks about overcoming the worst that life can throw at you. And, as I knew would happen, she met a fellow Born Againer. Ralph has a senior sales job for one of the evil Big Pharma companies, but comes across as the nicest, most concerned fellow you could run into … even if he is pushing Ambien on the masses. And there I go again, being all sardonic and snippy.’

‘That’s quite a story,’ I said, my voice hushed, uneasy. She picked up on my discomfort.

‘I’m not telling you this as a comment on how fast you drove earlier today. As I said before: I sensed you knew what you were doing, that you were showing all the classic signs of PTSD, and that you ultimately weren’t trying to kill yourself.’

‘But you still knew that one wrong move, or another car changing lanes suddenly, and we could have been involved in a terrible crash.’

She sipped her wine again.

‘Maybe I was having one of those moments that I’ve been having ever since the clinic was firebombed and Jose was killed … where I find myself thinking: if I go now is that such a bad thing?’

I stared down into my wine glass. She had just said what I felt so often recently myself.

Our pastas arrived.

‘Under the circumstances we won’t say grace,’ Elsie said. ‘But I will wish you: bon appétit.’

‘Bon appétit,’ I repeated, trying out the French words.

‘Your accent is good,’ she said.

‘You’re just trying to be nice.’

‘Is there anything wrong with that?’

I tasted the fancy spaghetti with the fancy meat sauce. It was pretty damn wonderful. I let the waiter grate a lot of fresh Parmesan over it. It became even better with all that cheese. Not a big serving – and I was used to big servings whenever Agnieska cooked. But this was spaghetti about as good as I had ever tasted.

‘You approve?’ Elise asked.

‘I approve. Thank you.’

We ate. After a few mouthfuls of pasta I asked:

‘Do you think your cousin will ever come to terms with what happened?’

‘She tells me she’s reached “closure” with it. Know what I think? That’s her way of comforting herself. We only talk a few times a year. As my late husband used to say: “There are certain people who, even if they are family, are best to give a wide distance to. Because all they can ever do is get under your skin and make you feel uncomfortable.”’

‘Your husband was a smart man.’