Later, a couple of days after the party, the only time they’d spent together since, Peri asked her what she thought of him as they sat on the beach at night. Odilie bit the inside of her cheek until it bled. “He’s nice. If he makes you happy, I’m happy.” Peri nodded, launched into a story about him, how on their first date he’d gotten concussed; they’d played tennis and she’d swatted the ball right into his temple.

Odilie found herself laughing along. But it wasn’t funny, not really. She wanted to be beautiful enough, confident enough to hit Tom Newburn in the head and still get a second date. Peri, the way she talked about herself, her pore-less skin and honk of a laugh began to irk Odilie, prickle at her. When Peri touched her, she began to flinch.

She played and replayed her meeting with Tom in her head. What the hell was it that made him so enticing? Or was it the context, the gorgeous night and the ethereal landscape?

The fact that he was forbidden?

She could still feel each brush of his hand, the way his eyes looked pooling into hers. Was he even that handsome? She couldn’t exactly recall the distinct features of his face. If she tried to remember all the parts and reassemble them into a whole, it didn’t work, either. Everything was based on these feelings she had, on this invitation he seemed to be sending her to get to know herself, get to know him.

One evening, four days after meeting Tom, she did something she never normally would. She texted a guy from her high school. She ended up on his mattress with no sheets or a bed frame in an apartment filled with other men, her insides split open by unlubricated sex. But she liked the pain in that instant. It made her forget, for a moment, about Peri’s boyfriend.

Odilie called out of work, ignored Peri’s messages the following day, wallowed in her apartment with the sheen of a hangover. She drank a lot. Chain-smoked and didn’t make her bed. She hated herself. Hated herself for falling for a guy she couldn’t have. Falling for a guy for no good reason other than he gave her attention for ten minutes. She was supposed to have gumption, right? People with gumption didn’t lie around so listless. They made changes to themselves, to their lives, to avoid feeling like this.

On the second day of her slovenly depression, Odilie finally messaged Peri back.

So sorry. Bad seafood. Been vomiting for hours.

Peri said it was fine, that she figured Odilie was sick. But that they were having a last-minute party tonight, she and Tom, and Odilie had to be there. It was going to be wild, a going-away party for one of Tom’s work partners who was leaving for the summer.