BooksBarbecue
Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

LEONIE   I didn’t dislike him. I could see what he saw in Joe after all. I couldn’t see what Joe saw in him. Of course, I didn’t know what went on.

GEORGE   (to the child) Upstairs.

CHILD   Aww, Dad.

GEORGE   Upstairs.
The child goes.

LAHR   Did you know Joe was that way?

LEONIE   Yes.

GEORGE   You didn’t.

LEONIE   I did and I didn’t. The way you do, don’t you? Mind you, at our Douglas’s wedding Mum caught him in bed with a bridesmaid.

GEORGE   So it’s what I say. He can’t have learned it in Leicester. He was corrupted.

LAHR   Joe wanted something from Kenneth. Kenneth wanted something from Joe. That’s not corruption, it’s collaboration.

LEONIE   He was born that way, or else it was my mum.

ANTHEA   Women don’t care anyway.

LEONIE   Taste of their own medicine.
Anthea and Leonie giggle as George goes over to the door. The child is just outside.

GEORGE   What did I say? Upstairs. (He closes the door and comes back.)

LEONIE   The lavatories shocked me a bit. When I read his diary. But a boy stopped me the other day. ‘I want to thank you for your brother’s plays.’ So what do you do?

GEORGE   Personally I think a lot of that’s made up.

LEONIE   What?

GEORGE   The toilets. You have to go into all that, do you?

LEONIE   George.

GEORGE   Well, it all seems a bit unnecessary to me.

LEONIE   The lawnmower’s not unnecessary. The Fiesta’s not unnecessary. You want to be grateful we get the money from his plays.

GEORGE   Grateful? I work too, you know. This isn’t royalties. This is plumbing money. He’s nothing in Leicester, Joe Orton.
He goes out. Pause. The child comes back into the room and sits on Leonie’s knee.

INT. ORTON AND HALLIWELL’S FLAT. NIGHT. 1953.

ORTON   Ken.

HALLIWELL   What?

ORTON   You know you could be put in prison for this?

HALLIWELL   So could you.

ORTON   No. I’m the innocent party. (Orton laughs in the dark.)

INT. ORTON AND HALLIWELL’S FLAT. DAY. 1955.

Orton and Halliwell are working side by side. Halliwell passes pages to Orton. Orton makes notes on them, passes them back. Halliwell laughs.

Orton gets bored. Stretches. Touches Halliwell.

HALLIWELL   No, I want to get on. Writing, John, is one-tenth inspiration, nine-tenths perspiration.

ORTON   (chiming in) Masturbation.

HALLIWELL   No.
Orton, sulking, starts cutting up books.
That’s a library book. You should respect books.

ORTON   I respect them more than you. You take them for granted.

(He is angry.) Oh shit. I’ll never catch up.

HALLIWELL   (indicating the manuscript) So? What’s this? We’re halfway through a novel.

ORTON   You are, you mean.
Orton lies on the bed with a book. Halliwell goes and strokes him.

HALLIWELL   It’s a collaboration. We’ve written this together.

ORTON   (sulkily) Stop it. I’m reading.

HALLIWELL   You’re not!