Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

RADA auditorium. Halliwell emerges from the darkness and stands in a pool of light on the stage. His camel-hair coat is draped over his shoulders. There is a pause before he embarks on a speech from Hamlet. A suppressed groan from the panel.

MAN   Rather old.

WOMAN   (rustle of a form) Not as old as he looks.

ANOTHER MAN   Useful to have someone as old as that, just for casting.

WOMAN   We seem to be taking practically anything that stands up.
Camera closes in on Halliwell.

MAN   At least he’s got the coat.

INT. RADA REHEARSAL ROOM. DAY. 1951.

The students are doing improvisations of the movements of various animals, hens, penguins, etc. A woman Instructor is moving round the class and comes on two students rubbing up against one another.

INSTRUCTOR   And what are you?

STUDENTS   Cats, miss.
She claps her hands.

INSTRUCTOR   We’re going to change the exercise slightly. I’ve got a cat here.
She mimes stroking a cat.
Here you are. Catch it.
She mimes throwing it to a student, who catches it, strokes it and passes it on. It reaches Halliwell, who makes a great fuss of it, then begins to get angry when it scratches him and eventually strangles it in an awesome display of fury which silences the class, all, that is, except Orton, who laughs loudly.

INT. RADA BUILDING. ENTRANCE. DAY. 1951.

The entrance hall is empty except for Halliwell, who is looking fixedly at the notice board, examining the timetable. Orton comes in, looks at the clock and sits down to wait for his friend. Silence.

HALLIWELL   Movement. Enunciation. Breath Control. (Pauses.)
It’s all so wildly dated. Don’t you agree?

ORTON   (startled at being spoken to) Er … yes … yes …

HALLIWELL   Still, I suppose the beginners find it useful.
He turns around at last and favours Orton with a look of superior benevolence.

ORTON   Are you new to London?

HALLIWELL   Hardly. A small legacy has enabled me to spend several weekends at the Strand Palace.

ORTON   Hotels are a closed book to me.

HALLIWELL   You’ll like the Strand Palace. We might venture there for coffee one evening.
Orton’s companions come down the stairs. Another boy and his girl, and Janet, Orton’s girl.

JANET   Ready?
They are going out when Orton turns back.

ORTON   We’re off over the South Bank. The Festival.
Janet is dismayed. Halliwell considers.

HALLIWELL   It might be amusing, I suppose.

ORTON   (trying to be sophisticated) Yes. The plebs at their simple pleasures.
Halliwell precedes them through the door as Janet mouths to Orton.

JANET   What did you ask him for?

ORTON   He’s got a … (Makes steering-wheel motions.)

EXT. STREET. DUSK. 1951.

Halliwell’s open car riding along beneath the Festival lights. Halliwell is driving. Orton is sitting in the front seat with Janet on his knee. The other two students are perched behind.

EXT. FESTIVAL OF BRITAIN. NIGHT. 1951.