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Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

ELSIE   Somebody at the door. Fetch me my teeth.
Orton goes to the bathroom and gets her tooth glass and takes it downstairs. She jiggles the glass and puts them in.
It’ll be the gas man. I never paid.
She retreats into the room as the banging on the door gets louder. Suddenly the door opens.

OFFICIAL   Good afternoon. I am a council official. I have come about your lad.

ELSIE   Why? What’s he done? (turning to Orton) What have you done?

OFFICIAL   Some Shakespeare, that’s what he’s done. Taken a very good part. He has favourably impressed a prominent member of the Education Committee.

ELSIE   Yes. In our bedspread.
Elsie is dumbfounded. The door opens and William Orton comes in. Leonie ventures out from under the table.

WILLIAM   Who’s this?

OFFICIAL   Good afternoon.

ELSIE   This is my husband. Ignore him.

OFFICIAL   Your son is a born actor.

ELSIE   An actor? But he went to Clarks College. He has done shorthand. He has a badge on his blazer.

OFFICIAL   This boy will never make a typist.

WILLIAM   He can do forty words a minute.

ELSIE   Shut up.

OFFICIAL   He must take up a dramatic career.

ELSIE   But I’ve sacrificed all down the line in order for him to land a job in an office. (She is gathering up the spoilt bedspread as she is saying this.)

OFFICIAL   Mrs Orton, your lad must go in for a scholarship to RADA.

WILLIAM   RADA?

OFFICIAL   The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art.

INT. MADAM LAMBERT’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM. DAY. 1950.

MADAM LAMBERT   (putting down The Lady) RADA?

EXT. ORTON HOUSE. BY GARDEN FENCE. DAY. 1950.

ELSIE   (to Neighbour) RADA! The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art.

INT. ELSIE’S BEDROOM. DAY. 1950.

Orton is in front of his mother’s three-way bedroom mirror, so that he is pictured three times.

ORTON   RADA!

INT. RADA BUILDING. AFTERNOON. 1950.

Auditorium at RADA. Orton is acting Smee and Captain Hook from Peter Pan, playing both parts. The judges sit at a table halfway up the auditorium. They laugh occasionally.

ORTON   (Hook:) Do you know who I’m looking for, Smee?

(Smee:) Tell me again, Captain. (Hook:) I’m looking for a boy, Smee. (Smee:) What kind of boy, Captain? (Hook:) A wicked boy, a heartless boy, a boy who never ate his rice pudding.

(Smee:) Oh horror. Can there be such boys? (Hook:) Aye, there can. It was a boy like that cut off my arm and gave it to the crocodiles. His name was Peter Pan. (Another voice:) Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

CHAIRMAN   (a voice out of the gloom) You’ve had some amateur experience, I gather. Tell us about it.
They confer, while Orton shades his eyes and tries to see them.

ORTON   I … started off in Rlchard III.

VOICE   (voice-over) As what?

ORTON   A messenger.
Laughter.

CHAIRMAN   Well, that was most original, Mr Orton. You’ve done very well.
Orton leaves.

INT. RADA BUILDING. DAY. 1950.