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Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

PHILIP   I don’t know how you stand it.

INT. LAHRS’ FLAT. EVENING. THE PRESENT.

Anthea is preparing supper. She is alone in the flat. Lahr comes in, late.

LAHR   Sorry.
Anthea says nothing.
I’ve got the melon.
She takes it from him and cuts it in two, scooping out the seeds.
Any calls?
She wordlessly hands him the paper.
I’m sorry.
The doorbell rings.

ANTHEA   Shit.
She whips her pinny off. He puts his coat back on and opens the door. Peggy is on the doorstep with a parcel containing the diaries.

LAHR   You found us.

PEGGY   Eventually.

LAHR   I just got in myself.
Lahr brings Peggy in.
This is my wife, Anthea. Miss Ramsay.

PEGGY   I think it’s perhaps Peggy.

ANTHEA   Why don’t you get Miss Ramsay a drink, John? White wine?

PEGGY   White wine. You’re not American?

ANTHEA   No. He’s American. John’s American. He is. I’m not.

PEGGY   Yes. I think I’ve just about got that straight.
Lahr and Peggy retire to sofa while Anthea finishes off preparing the meal. We see from Anthea’s point of view Peggy unwrapping her parcel and taking out the exercise books, etc., which form Orton’s diaries. Anthea mashes potatoes, strains sprouts, etc.

PEGGY   Now these are the diaries. You must guard them with your life.

ANTHEA   We can eat.
They come to the table. Anthea is lighting the candles. They are eating melon.

PEGGY   (turns to Lahr.) Urinals figure largely, of course.

ANTHEA   Sugar?
Peggy puts some on.

PEGGY   The more insalubrious the circumstances, the more Joe seemed to enjoy it.

ANTHEA   Ginger?

PEGGY   His first taste of sex, or the first that he records, seems to have taken place in a cinema lavatory in Leicester at the age of fourteen. The film was My Favourite Brunette.

LAHR   Bob Hope and Dorothy Lamour.

PEGGY   Quite. Joe says he came all down the man’s raincoat. Lovely melon.

LAHR   Oh, thank you.
Anthea clears the plates.
I’ll set Anthea to work transcribing these, then you can have the originals back. What is this?

PEGGY   This is the film script he was writing for the Beatles that final summer.

INT. ORTON AND HALLIWELL’S FLAT. DAY. 1967.

Orton answering the phone in shirt and pants.

INT. PEGGY RAMSAY’S OFFICE. DAY. 1967.

PEGGY   Darling, I’m about to get Brian Epstein on the phone. 
When can we set up a meeting?

SECRETARY   (calling) Not there, Miss Ramsay. On the coast.

PEGGY   (picking up the phone) When you say he’s on the coast, dear, do you mean he’s in Brighton?
We only hear Peggy’s end of the conversation.
Well, when he gets back and has shaken the sand out of his shoes, perhaps you could ask him to call me. (She puts the phone down.) Slut.

INT. ORTON AND HALLIWELL’S FLAT. DAY. 1967.

We only hear Orton’s end of the call.