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Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

PEGGY   (voice-over through cassette) I thought it was derivative.
I told him so. He didn’t mind. Not Joe. ‘I’ll try and write you a better one, dear,’ he said. I said, ‘Well, that would be gorgeous.’
As he was leaving …

INT. PEGGY RAMSAY’S OFFICE. DAY. THE PRESENT.

PEGGY   He said, ‘Next time can I bring my friend?’ And I thought, ‘Does he mean friend?’ And I thought, ‘Yes, he does mean friend.’ Which was quite bold in those days. It was the Dark Ages. Men and men. And they could still put you in prison for it. And did, dear.

INT. PATRICK PROCKTOR’S STUDIO. DAY. 1967.

Orton shrugs and smiles. He starts taking his clothes off. Shoes, trousers, shirt in that order.

ORTON   Bollock naked?

PROCKTOR   Oh no. Keep your socks on.
Orton grins. We cut to Procktor watching him as he lies on the couch, leg drawn up slightly so we do not see his cock, but do see his tattoo. Procktor begins to draw.

PEGGY   (voice-over) London was still quite exciting then. Remember that? No. No, you wouldn’t.

LAHR   (voice-over) That was when?

PEGGY   (voice-over) 1967.

PROCKTOR   You’re in good shape.

ORTON   It’s the weights. When I die I want people to say, ‘He was the most perfectly developed playwright of his day.’

INT. STAIRCASE UP TO PEGGY RAMSAY’S OFFICE. DAY. 1967.

Orton walking up some stairs. He is carrying a bag from a boutique.

He stops outside a door marked ‘MARGARET RAMSAY PLAY AGENT’.

PEGGY   (voice-over) Joe was having a wonderful time. His second play Loot was a smash hit.
Orton takes off his coat and pulls a fur coat out of his carrier bag.

LAHR   (voice-over) So he was making lots of money?

PEGGY   (voice-over) Oh yes, dear. Offers to do this and write that.
Orton puts on the fur coat.
And he had six months to live.

LAHR   (voice-over) Wow!
Orton puts the collar of the coat up and goes into the office.

INT. PEGGY RAMSAY’S OFFICE. DAY. 1967.

Peggy walks round him.

PEGGY   Is this it? Is this my present?
Orton nods happily.
It’s terrible, darling.

ORTON   It was fourteen quid.

PEGGY   Joe! I said splash out.

ORTON   Cheap clothes suit me, they always have. It’s because I’m from the gutter. (Orton stares at himself happily in the mirror.)

PEGGY   A contract from New Zealand.

ORTON   (incredulous) New Zealand?

PEGGY   I know, dear, but we’re not going to think about it. Now am I right in thinking we’re still interested in writing the Beatles script?

ORTON   Oh, yes …

PEGGY   Then why don’t I call Brian now and set up a meeting?
Orton looks delighted.

ORTON   Smashing!
She stops dialling.

PEGGY   Now, is it Epsteen or Epstine? Better wait. (She hesitates and then puts the phone down.) Americans are so sensitive about their names.

ORTON   He’s not American, is he?