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Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

MRS ALLARDYCE   Oh, the Parade. Umpteen opportunities for the go-ahead young man these days. The war killed so many off. And you’re married to Veronica’s piano teacher.

GILBERT   Yes.

MRS ALLARDYCE   You’re not wearing a ring.

GILBERT   No. Tiny bits of skin and scurf from people’s feet tend to collect under it.

MRS ALLARDYCE   Oh. My other little man was married, though his wife was bedridden. Life.
Allardyce enters. He does not see Gilbert as he is hidden below the level of the chair.

ALLARDYCE   Still a long way to go with the invites. Have we anything tasty we could give Dr Swaby for his supper? You know what he’s like.
Mrs Allardyce mutely indicates the presence of Gilbert.

(peering round the chair) Ah!

MRS ALLARDYCE   Steak?
Allardyce is going, when he stops and returns, having seen something.

ALLARDYCE   Are you not eating that?

MRS ALLARDYCE   They’re marzipan. You don’t like marzipan.
Allardyce nevertheless reaches down, and it’s only then that we realise he’s referring to the half-eaten chocolate lying among all the nail clippings etc. on the paper. He retrieves it from under Gilbert’s nose and goes out, carrying it in front of him in a way that suggests he isn’t going to eat it. Pause.
We generally have our main meal at night.

INT. ALLARDYCES’ HALL. DAY.

Veronica can be seen practising in a further room. Allardyce is standing by the doorway but he is looking off. Emerging from the toilet, Dr Swaby joins Allardyce. He looks in at Veronica with stony indifference.

Allardyce shows Dr Swaby the half-eaten chocolate and is about to say something when the sitting-room door begins to open and Dr Swaby hustles him unceremoniously back into the study. Mrs Allardyce leads Gilbert out of the sitting room towards the front door.

VERONICA   I hate Mrs Chilvers.

MRS ALLARDYCE   (sweetly) No, you don’t. This is Mr Chilvers. Children! You don’t have any?

GILBERT   No.

MRS ALLARDYCE   Very wise.
Looking out of the house, past Mrs Allardyce, we see Gilbert mounting his bike.

EXT. METCALF’S BUTCHER’S SHOP. EVENING.

We see Gilbert arriving on his bike. Mr Metcalf is just letting the blinds down, having shut the shop. Gilbert knocks and Mr Metcalf peeps out, then lets him in. As the shop door closes behind Gilbert, the camera pulls back and we see a black-gloved hand drumming impatiently on a steering wheel.

INT. METCALF’S SHOP. EVENING.

Gilbert goes through the back of the shop, where lights, beasts’ heads, etc., are hanging up and Mr Metcalf points him up the stairs into the house, while he starts putting his stock back into the fridge.

INT. METCALFS’ LIVING ROOM. EVENING.

Less moneyed than the Allardyces but nicely off too. Mrs Metcalf, a volatile ferret of a woman, talking all the time. Gilbert is already on the floor, doing her feet. Mr Metcalf is standing in the doorway, watching.