Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

Braun now takes the bedpan out to where Pepys is waiting. Pepys takes it eagerly.

INT. WINDSOR. KING’S APARTMENTS. ANTEROOM. DAY.

Pepys puts the bedpan on a long table covered with chamber pots and the notebooks in which he has been recording the King’s motions. Warren and Baker come in.

WARREN   Pepys?

PEPYS   Good news! A foetid and a stinking stool. (He displays it.)
The colour good, well shaped and a prodigious quantity. Mind you, the urine is a little dark. Or is it the light?

WARREN   (motioning Pepys out of the room, out of earshot of Willis’s men) Pepys!

INT. WINDSOR. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE KING’S APARTMENTS. DAY.

WARREN   Pepys. This Willis.

PEPYS   Yes?

WARREN   A dangerous man.

PEPYS   Is he?

WARREN   Not a proper doctor.

BAKER   Not a member of the Royal College of Physicians.

WARREN   Wants us out, Pepys.

PEPYS   No!

WARREN   We must stick together. And remember: one voice.

PEPYS/BAKER   One voice.

INT. CARLTON HOUSE. DRAWING ROOM. NIGHT.

Maria Fitzherbert embroidering. Prince of Wales and Warren perambulating, Prince looking grave.

PRINCE OF WALES   What kind of fellow is he?

WARREN   Parson. Quack. Has some modern ideas. He’ll need watching.
They exchange looks.

MARIA   I’ve heard very good things about him. They say he does a lot of it with his eyes.

PRINCE OF WALES   You mean he looks at the King?

WARREN   Yes.

PRINCE OF WALES   Damned impudence.

MARIA   (artlessly, and as ever trying to reconcile father and son) Poor King. And no Queen. He must be very lonely. It’s such a pity he’s not nearer, then you could go visit him.
The Prince looks at her thoughtfully.

PRINCE OF WALES   Ye-es.

WARREN   You don’t mean … here?

PRINCE OF WALES   Good God, no. Kew.

WARREN   Kew?

EXT. WINDSOR. COURTYARD. DAY.

The King, dressed only in his nightshirt and a straitjacket, is dragged across the snow-covered courtyard towards a waiting carriage. He is shouting and struggling.

INT. WINDSOR. QUEEN’S APARTMENTS. DAY.

The Queen, hearing the commotion, goes to the window. She is horrified.

EXT. WINDSOR. COURTYARD. DAY.

WILLIS   (fixing the King with his eye) I see you, sir.

KING   No, sir. You do not see me. Nobody sees me. I am not here. (to his captors, who are dragging him to the coach) Get your filthy hands off me, you …

INT. WINDSOR. QUEEN’S APARTMENT. DAY.

The Queen watches as:

EXT. WINDSOR. COURTYARD. DAY.

The King breaks away from his captors but is caught again.

EXT. WINDSOR. COURTYARD. DAY.

WILLIS   I have you in my eye, sir, and I shall keep you in my eye until you learn to behave and do as you are told.

KING   I am the King. I tell. I am not told. I am the verb, sir. I am not the object.

WILLIS   Until you can govern yourself, you are not fit to govern others, and until you do so I shall govern you.