Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

KING   When felons were induced to talk, they were shown first the instrument of their torture. The King is shown the instrument of his to induce him not to talk. Well, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.

INT. WINDSOR. KING’S APARTMENTS. ANTEROOM. DAY.

Willis’s attendants seize the King, to the consternation of the pages and equerries. There is a struggle between the royal retainers and Willis’s attendants in which the attendants are easily the winners, hurling the pages off and bloodying Greville’s nose, while the King tries to scramble away, shouting and screaming obscenities. Eventually he is bundled into the chair and fastened in.

WILLIS   Sit him down, sit him down.
If the King refuses food, he will be restrained. If he claims to have no appetite, he will be restrained. If he swears and indulges in meaningless discourse, he will be restrained. If he throws off his bedclothes, tears away his bandages, scratches at his sores, and if he does not strive every day and always towards his own recovery, then he must be restrained.
The King has been buckled into the chair and is helpless, a pathetic parody of the King on his throne.

KING   I am the King of England.

WILLIS   No, sir. You are the patient.
Underscoring the ‘enthronement’ in the restraining chair is Handel’s Coronation anthem ‘Zadok the Priest’, which, when the King is bound and gagged and helpless, bursts forth at full volume.

INT. WINDSOR. KING’S APARTMENTS. DAY.

Overhead shot of the King struggling in the chair.

EXT. WINDSOR CASTLE. DAY.

Faint lights in rooms; snow falling. Some servants scuttle across the courtyard.

INT. WINDSOR. QUEEN’S APARTMENTS. DAY.

The Queen is crouched over the fire, mittens on, while Lady Pembroke indefatigably embroiders.

QUEEN   Not permitted. Not permitted. We recommended him and still it’s not permitted. None of them knows him.

INT. WINDSOR. QUEEN’S WINDOW. DAY.

She looks out of the window as the coach bearing Warren and Baker arrives. We see them alight and go up the steps.

WARREN   Come on. Baker, for heaven’s sake.

INT. WINDSOR. QUEEN’S APARTMENTS. DAY.

QUEEN   He is not himself. How can they restore him to his proper self not knowing what that self is?
Lady Pembroke embroiders on.
He is an angel of kindness and goodness.

INT. WINDSOR. KING’S APARTMENTS. BEDROOM. DAY.

Under Willis’s paternal gaze, the King hands his bedpan to Fortnum. Fortnum, who has always been the prissiest of the pages, takes it from the King and without comment hands it to Greville.

GREVILLE   (astonished at being given the bedpan) Fortnum.

FORTNUM   Sir?

GREVILLE   What are you doing?

FORTNUM   I’m going, sir. To Piccadilly, sir. To start a provision merchant’s. It isn’t much, sir, but it’s a cut above emptying pisspots.
He bows to the King and goes out backwards.

GREVILLE   (holding the bedpan out) Braun.

INT. WINDSOR. KING’S APARTMENTS. DRAWING ROOM. DAY.