Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

KING   Do it, England! Do it. That’s better. I am obliged to you, madam. Can’t stop now. On, England, on!
The King hands back the chamber pot to the startled lady-in-waiting and rushes away, followed by Greville and Papandiek. Fortnum politely relieves her of the (brimming) receptacle and, mouthing a silent ‘Thank you’, takes it outside, where he runs into Braun.

FORTNUM   Look, it’s blue.

FITZROY   (coming round the corner) What are you dawdling here for? The King is unattended.

FORTNUM   It’s the King’s water, sir. It’s blue, sir.

FITZROY   So?

FORTUM   It’s been this colour since this business began.

FITZROY   What business? Don’t be insolent.

FORTNUM   We thought it might be important.

FITZROY   What is important is not to dangle about. Where is the King? Half-undressed and unattended. That’s what’s important. Give me that.

INT. WINDSOR. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE KING’S APARTMENTS. DAY.

Fitzroy carries the chamber pot along the corridor and encounters Baker, who is on his way to see the King.

FITZROY   Sir George … This is the King’s water.

BAKER   Well?

FITZROY   It’s blue.

BAKER   So?

FITZROY   It’s been blue since His Majesty has been ill.

BAKER   Oh, God, another doctor. Medicine is a science. It consists of observation. Whether a man’s water is blue or not is neither here nor there.
He goes into the anteroom, leaving Fitzroy with the chamber pot.

FITZROY   (calling after Baker) Well, there’s one blessing. At least he’s stopped all the what-whatting.

INT. LIBRARY. NIGHT.

Greville, exhausted and miserable, sits by the fire. He keeps nodding off. Lady Pembroke comes in and watches Greville, amused that he is so sleepy. He struggles to his feet.

GREVILLE   Lady Pembroke …

LADY PEMBROKE   Mr Greville. Her Majesty spoke favourably of you today, Mr Greville. (conspiratorially) And we do not like Mr Fitzroy.
She touches him on the arm and smiles.
You will go far.

INT. WINDSOR. THE GREAT HALL. DAY.

Preparations for a concert. Footmen are lighting candles in a huge candelabrum before hauling it up to the ceiling. Two large ceremonial chairs on a dais in the centre of the hall face an orchestra, which is already tuning up. Pitt and Dundas, both in topcoats, walk through the hall, where the court is already assembled. Pitt is plainly very cross.

PITT   Captain Fitzroy! I said no concerts. No public appearances.

FITZROY   It’s by order of the Prince. His Royal Highness thought it might cheer His Majesty up.

THURLOW   Come on, if we’re late he will be mad.
Across the hall we see the Prince of Wales with Dr Warren.

PRINCE OF WALES   Do you like music, Warren?

WARREN   If it’s played, sir, I listen to it.

PRINCE OF WALES   Soothes the savage breast, do you think?

WARREN   Not, I fear, in this case, sir.
Warren permits himself a wintry smile.

INT. WINDSOR. KING’S APARTMENTS. DUSK.