Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

KING   (singing)
‘Awake my soul and with the sun
Thy daily stage of duty run.
Shake off dull sloth and joyful rise,
To pay thy morning sacrifice.’

EXT. WINDSOR PARK. THE FOLLY. DAY.

The pages pursue the King through the morning mist as he runs past a Gothick folly in the castle grounds.

KING   Where’s that other rascal, Braun? He’s not gone back to bed?

BRAUN   (bringing a shirt) I’m here, sir.

KING   Well, give me my shirt, man. What shirt is this? It’s calico. Sailcloth. It’s a hair-shirt. Fetch me another. Another shirt, lad, a softer shirt, a softer one.

INT. WINDSOR. LIVING QUARTERS. DAY.

Braun banging on Greville’s door.

BRAUN   Wake up, sir. Attend, sir, attend.
Greville put his head out from under the sheets.

EXT. WINDSOR PARK. THE FOLLY. DAY.

KING   Have you said your prayers this morning?

FORTNUM   I started, sir, but I was interrupted.

KING   Say after me – ‘Our Father, which art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven …’ (etc.)
The Queen, Lady Pembroke and Greville, all in various stages of undress, come hurrying across the park, accompanied, immaculate as ever, by Fitzroy. Seeing them, the King continues to pray but takes the Queen’s hand and makes her kneel down with them, kissing her hand repeatedly. Then he makes Lady Pembroke kneel, gazing fixedly at her before suddenly throwing himself onto her with passionate kisses.
Greville, whose attention is as much on Lady Pembroke as the King, puts an involuntary hand out to stop him.

GREVILLE   Sir.

FITZROY   (outraged and slapping the hand down) Sir!
The Queen tries to pull the King away from Lady Pembroke.

QUEEN   Sir, we are in company.

KING   Mind your own business.

QUEEN   George!

FITZROY   The King has fallen. Help, sirs!

QUEEN   Help. Help the King. Help him. George.

LADY PEMBROKE   Sir. You must rest.

KING   I am the King. I cannot rest. I must rule.
He finally breaks from her.
Half the day gone already. There is much to do, there is government …

PAPANDIEK   Government hasn’t begun yet, sir. Government is still in bed.

BRAUN   Government is lucky.

INT. WINDSOR. TERRACE. DAY.

The King runs into the castle, pursued by the pages.

INT. WINDSOR. LIVING QUARTERS. CORRIDORS. DAY.

The King in headlong flight, pursued by the pages and Greville and gabbling all the time.

KING   Do you love God, Arthur?

PAPANDIEK   Yes, sir.

KING   Oh, he loves you. He loves us all if only we will let him.

GREVILLE   Do not discuss the Deity, sir. It does not do.
The King rushes along a vaulted corridor and bursts into the room of a lady-in-waiting, who is in bed.

KING   Does not do? Does not do? I am the King. What is the Deity to me? Pisspot, pisspot.
The lady gives him the pot.

LADY   Your Majesty.