Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

STELLA   Too good to waste on the patients.
Glyn passes Dickie with his tray as Oscar and Svend come up: gradually the others circle round.

OSCAR   And what has Dickie been doing? Making lots of money in clever-Dickie fashion?

PAULINE   He made me go into commodities, didn’t you, Dickie?

DICKIE   Did I?

PAULINE   Coffee. I had to buy coffee in the forward market. And a forest. We bought a forest.

BETTY   Where?

PAULINE   Where was it, Rufus?

RUFUS   In Sussex somewhere.

GEORGE   Someone was telling me if you went into wine you couldn’t lose. At the right time, of course.

RUFUS   What is the right time, Dickie?

DICKIE   Not now.

GEORGE   Somebody told me the thing to do now is sell money.

PAULINE   I hope commodities are still all right. There’s nothing wrong with commodities, is there, Dickie? It’s all in coffee. Should I sell the forest?

DICKIE   Everybody seems to be selling money. I’m more inclined to buy it.

PAULINE   Should I sell the forest?

DICKIE   No point in selling the forest.
Stella, bored, moves away and helps herself to a canapé from Glyn’s plate.

RUFUS   (out of shot) What about the coffee?

DICKIE   (put of shot) It’s hard to get a true picture. If we were in South America I could tell you exactly what to do. Brazil. Paraguay.

PAULINE   (out of shot) Paraguay! Isn’t he brilliant!

RUFUS   Now, everybody – a toast! A toast to this house!
Glyn fills Stella’s glass.

PAULINE   But where’s Totty? Shouldn’t we wait for Totty?

GEORGE   She’s not coming. She’s ill.

PAULINE   Totty ill?

STELLA   Totty? Is she?

BETTY   Don’t spoil things, George. She’s perfectly all right. It’s just something she’s got.

PAULINE   It’s not …

STELLA   Oh, shut up, darling.

RUFUS   A toast to this house – to its warmth and its welcome.
Everyone drinks.
And to George and Betty, our dear friends, and the life they will have here. George and Betty!
They repeat the toast and all drink again.

GEORGE   What about a conducted tour?

PAULINE   Yes, please. I love houses.

GEORGE   Everyone all right? … Follow me.
George leads the way. They all follow. Glyn eyeing Stella as they go. Dickie remains, his attention caught by the newspapers over the window.

INT. HALL. NIGHT.

Led by George, the party cross to the stairs and start up them.

OSCAR   Dare one ask what it cost?

BETTY   Oh, nothing.

OSCAR   Nothing?

BETTY   It was in the family.

GEORGE   It belonged to Betty’s uncle. You should have seen it when we got it.

STELLA   What was it like?

BETTY   A pigsty.

GEORGE   Filthy.

BETTY   Uncle had lived here all his life: never done a thing to it.

GEORGE   He was very old.

RUFUS   Was he an eccentric?

BETTY   No. He was a banker.

STELLA   (calling) Dickie!

INT. DRAWING ROOM. NIGHT.