Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

Dickie, with his transistor in his hand, is surveying the papers which cover the windows. He is carrying an empty glass in his free hand. Rufus approaches him.

RUFUS   Where’ve you been, Dickie?

DICKIE   Valparaiso.

PAULINE   Where is that?

GEORGE   Old Dickie’s been in Valparaiso. Now why’s that, Dickie?

DICKIE   I needed to see what was happening over there at first hand. Taking the temperature of the water, you know.

STELLA   The week before it was Delhi. And Washington before that.

PAULINE   Did you see the Post-Impressionists?

DICKIE   I was looking at the dollar.

PAULINE   George. Betty! You must leave it like this. Bare. Empty. No things. We have too many things. Listen, everybody! We all have too many things.

BETTY   Drinks, George. Drinks.

GEORGE   (looking around, he realises that Harold and Glyn are not present) Yes. Drinks.

BETTY   Where are they? You hire people to see to things, and when the time comes they behave as if they own the place.

DICKIE   They were here.

PAULINE   Two of them.

BETTY   Find them, George.
George leaves the room.

INT. HALL. NIGHT.

George looks round the empty hall, and through the music room and cloakroom doors. Deserted. He listens a moment – then makes for the door to the kitchen stairs.

INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT.

George comes down the stairs. There is the sound of a pick being wielded against brickwork. He listens for a moment. The figure of Harold can be glimpsed, mostly hidden, operating in a pantry at the opposite end of the kitchen.

GEORGE   Hello. Hello.
The picking stops, not quite immediately. There is the sound of an implement being thrown down. Harold appears, in shirtsleeves, wiping his neck and hands with a handkerchief.

HAROLD   Yes?

GEORGE   People are wanting drinks.

HAROLD   I’ve only got one pair of hands.

GEORGE   Where’s your friend?

HAROLD   I expect he’s finding his way round. (He crosses to the sink and starts washing his hands.)

GEORGE   We must have somebody doing the drinks. We want this to be something of an occasion.
The doorbell sounds. George and Harold look at each other. Harold dries his hands.

INT. HALL. NIGHT.

Glyn is coming downstairs, adjusting his dress. The doorbell rings again. Glyn opens the door. There is no one to be seen. He steps out into the darkness. There is a pause, then Svend comes in, a beautiful young Swede, in an expensive brown suede overcoat. Glyn returns, looks at Svend, and is closing the door when a walking stick is thrust in to stop the door closing. Oscar, a tall, theatrical figure wearing a scarlet-lined opera cloak, steps in, between Svend and Glyn. George and Betty approach, from their different doors.

GEORGE   Oscar!

BETTY   Oscar!
They kiss Oscar.

OSCAR   Svend –
Oscar looks on indulgently as Betty and George (self-consciously) kiss Svend. Glyn takes hats and coats.

EXT. ENGLISH ROADS. DAY.

The van circumnavigates a complex motorway junction (for instance ‘Spaghetti Junction’, seen from overhead).

INT. DRAWING ROOM. NIGHT.