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Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

STAGE MANAGER   You’re On.
She pushes Simon Ward onto the stage. SImon Ward is so confused, looking at the teeth in his hand, that he forgets his words and the Stage Manager has to prompt. He looks furiously at Orton, who is watching through a hole in the scenery and laughing.

INT. ORTON AND HALLIWELL’S FLAT. NIGHT. 1967.

Halliwell is on the telephone.

PEGGY   (voice-over) It wasn’t a rational act.

LAHR   (voice-over) Well, obviously.

PEGGY   (voice-over) I didn’t mean that. These things happen, that’s all.
Orton is getting into bed.

HALLIWELL   (on the phone) I’ve an appointment with the psychiatrist at ten tomorrow. Yes. Thank you for all the trouble you’ve taken. (Halliwell puts the phone down.)

ORTON   You don’t want a psychiatrist. It’s this room. We’ve lived here too long.

HALLIWELL   So? I keep finding places. You won’t even go look. (Seizes a newspaper.) ‘Two bedrooms, two reception rooms, patio and bathroom. This well-proportioned accommodation can be maintained with the minimum effort, thereby leaving more time for leisure pursuits.’

ORTON   Where?

HALLIWELL   East Croydon.

ORTON   I won’t live in East Croydon.

HALLIWELL   You’re so unadventurous. I like the country. It would be nice to see the occasional green field.

ORTON   In East Croydon?

HALLIWELL   Anywhere. Not you. You’d be content to trail up and down the Pentonville Road till your balls dropped off.

ORTON   What did the doctor say?

HALLIWELL   He’s already talking about hospital and I haven’t even seen the psychiatrist yet. Still he’s a very good doctor.
He treats cabinet ministers.

ORTON   What happens if we split up?

HALLIWELL   How would that help me? We’re talking about me.

ORTON   Well, we can’t go on like this.

HALLIWELL   I’ve given you everything. I made you.

ORTON   I’m not Eliza fucking Doolittle. I made myself.

HALLIWELL   These are my books.

ORTON   I’d see you all right.

HALLIWELL   I taught you.

ORTON   I taught you too.

HALLIWELL   What? How to go into a public lavatory?

ORTON   Anyway, if I hadn’t met you it would have been someone else. Sleep on it.

HALLIWELL   How?

ORTON   I could give you a wank.
Halliwell groans.
Well, what do you want?

HALLIWELL   Joe. John.

ORTON   I’m not John. John’s dead. (Turns to go to sleep.) If you change your mind about the wank don’t wake me up. (Pause.)