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Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

The Orton home. The family sits in the living room. Orton, Orton’s two sisters Leonie and Marilyn, his brother Douglas and William Orton, his father. Leonie is pregnant. George Barnett, her husband, is there. Orton sits next to Leonie and nudges her and she giggles. The Undertaker appears.

UNDERTAKER   Mother’s ready now if you’d like to come in and pay your respects.
They all get up.
Father first.
William Orton has been sitting unnoticed by the fire. They get him up. He goes in first and they file into the sitting room after him. Marilyn nudges her husband and mouths ‘cigarette’. He puts it out. Elsie lies in an open coffin, an undertaker’s boy standing by the wall with the coffin lid. Orton files in after Leonie.

LEONIE   (just before they get in) Stop it, Joe. I don’t want to laugh. I didn’t love her, but I don’t want to laugh.

MARILYN   I still don’t know why you want to go calling yourself Joe. John’s a much classier name.

ORTON   You’ve left her glasses off.

UNDERTAKER   You’ll find that’s normal procedure. Generally speaking, people prefer it.

ORTON   What’s happened to her teeth?

UNDERTAKER   Mislaid, apparently.

ORTON   Shame. She was proud of her teeth.
They file out. The undertaker’s boy, whom Orton eyes, waiting to put the coffin lid on.

UNDERTAKER   This is Mother’s nightgown.

MARILYN   I don’t want it. A thing like that.

LEONIE   Someone ought to have it.

DOUGLAS   Chuck it out.

LEONIE   That’s no way to talk. Not dead five minutes and it’s into the bin with her nightie.

UNDERTAKER   If you leave it with me I’ll dispose of it. We pass them on to old folks. Many of them are quite grateful.

LEONIE   Joe. Take Dad to spend a penny. We don’t want him having an accident in the car. Go with John, Dad.

DOUGLAS   How long will this affair go on?

MARILYN   Why?

DOUGLAS   I’m running a business.

INT. FAYHURST ROAD. LAVATORY. DAY. 1967.

Orton takes his father’s trousers down, leaving them round his ankles.

ORTON   Come on, Dad. Hold it, Dad.
William doesn’t. Orton has to hold his father’s cock and aim for him.

WILLIAM   What are you doing?
William turns and looks into his son’s face.

INT. FAYHURST ROAD. DAY. 1967.

The coffin is just being carried out of the room and into the hearse. They all stand up.

UNDERTAKER   I think just Father’s tribute on the coffin.

ORTON   Simple, but effective.

LEONIE   (quietly) I’ll kill you, Joe, if you don’t stop it.

MARILYN   Dash yourself off, Duggie. You’re covered in scurf.

EXT. FAYHURST ROAD. DAY. 1967.

The relatives go down the garden path to the waiting cars. People watching.

INT. FAYHURST ROAD. BEDROOM. DAY. 1967.