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Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

Cunliffe is standing outside Noel Road, looking up at No. 25. Faint sounds of typing from upstairs. Cunliffe looks up and walks on. There is a wrecked car further down the street. He stops by it as voice-over begins, accompanied by a typewriter.

INT. CUNLIFFE’S OFFICE. DAY. 1962.

An office, glass-panelled, overlooking the library’s stacked shelves.

CUNLIFFE   (dictating to Miss Battersby) Registration KYR 450.
The above-mentioned vehicle appears to be derelict and abandoned in Noel Road and I have been given to understand that you are the owner thereof.
Mix through to:

INT. ORTON AND HALLIWELL’S FLAT. DAY. 1962.

Halliwell is reading the same letter.

HALLIWELL   ‘… before enforcing remedies I give you the opportunity to remove the vehicle from the highway.’ The little prick. Standard Vanguard indeed. Seat yourself at our trusty Remington, John, and we will piss on this person from a great height.
Orton sits at the typewriter.

(dictating) ‘Thank you for your dreary little letter.’

ORTON   Dismal’s better.

HALLIWELL   Dismal then. ‘I should like to know who provided you with this mysterious information …’

ORTON   Furnished is better than provided. More municipal in tone.

HALLIWELL   ‘… as I have never possessed a car of any make whatsoever.’

INT. CUNLIFFE’S OFFICE. DAY. 1962.

A magnifying glass examining two specimens of typing. We come out slightly to see it is the letter Halliwell has sent being compared with one of the book jackets we have seen Orton doctoring. Other doctored books lie on the table, some with outrageous covers, including one of the Collected Poems of John Betjeman illustrated by a picture of a nude old man, tattooed from head to foot.

CUNLIFFE   (voice-over, the magnifying glass looking at the book jacket) You will note that the typing, Miss Battersby, is the same. Our book jacket! Their letter! Got you my beauties! ‘Fucked by Monty,’ indeed. Men died, Miss Battersby. Died.

INT. POLICE COURT. DAY. 1962.

Islington Magistrates’ Court. Orton and Halliwell are in the dock.

COUNSEL   Exhibit 7.
The clerk hands him Exhibit 7.
This is the novel Clouds of Witness by the noted authoress Dorothy L. Sayers. Can you read what you found on the back of the jacket?
As the policeman reads, the camera takes in the various people in the court. The thinly attended gallery, a woman eating a sandwich, Mrs Sugden, Cunliffe looking pleased with himself.