What did Harold say, “To sleep perchance to dream”?

If I go to sleep, perchance I will dream, perchance I will dream up a way to save Dother Hall.

That night I did dream. I was onstage at Dother Hall and the spotlight was on me. I smiled at the audience and a ripple of anticipation ran through the ranks of people. I said, “Last term I gave you my rendition of Sugar Plum Bikey, which had a few technical difficulties. However this year I would like to give you my interpretation of a flying scene by Titania, Queen of the Fairies. It’s from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, done with the aid of a rope and harness, which Bob has kindly agreed to operate.”

Bob, dressed all in black, appeared from offstage. He said, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special effect I perfected on tour with Zep. The arena tour from the eighties. It is a rock-and-roll masterpiece.”

He went offstage and the music began. I was hauled elegantly into the air by my harness (cunningly concealed in my fairy costume). Bob was huffing and puffing on the other end of the rope. I waggled my wings delicately and sang, “Lalalalalala, I am queen of the fairies.”

A dashing Oberon-like figure, I think it may have been Alex, shouted out, “Ah, my queen, well met by moonlight!!!”

I smiled at him as I adjusted my crown and wings. This time my ballet dress would not stick in the spokes of my bike. And catapult me through the fire curtains and into the backstage area. I knew this for a fact because I was not on a bike.

Vaisey, Jo, and Flossie were also dressed as fairies, and Honey as Puck started singing, “Isn’t she lovely!! Isn’t she wonderful?”

I was flying, I was gliding, my feet slightly off the ground, to give the impression of flight. The audience gasped at the beauty of it all. Oberon blew me a kiss. I blew him one back, thereby doing one-hand flying. It was so lovely.

Then a cry went up from somewhere offstage: “Don’t forget your Bottom!!!” and Dr. Lightowler in her cloak leapt onto the stage with a massive Dumbo the Elephant head. It had long floppy ears and a trunk. She shoved the Dumbo head over mine and I couldn’t see a thing.

I heard the audience gasp. As I was struggling to get the Dumbo head off, I started twirling round and round on the end of the rope. I was dizzy. I didn’t know where I was. I heard a voice shout, “Mind the wall, Dumbo!!”

Blinded, I crashed into the side wall and the whole of Dother Hall started to shake and fall down.

My corkers are on the move

I WOKE UP TO discover that I had gone blind. Oh nooooooo. It was only when I sat up that I remembered I’d put two slices of cucumber on my eyes overnight to make them sparkly for The Jones’s gig.