Jo wasn’t convinced.

“Yeah, but maybe he really did mind and he just didn’t say he minded, but he was storing up minding into a big fat pile of mindiness. To tell me about on the phone.”

Her mood was very catching. I said, “Who knows what boys think anyway? I mean, why would anyone lick your nose? I don’t remember that on Cousin Georgia’s snogging scale. And do you know why? Because it’s not on there.”

Flossie said, “What is on the scale?”

I told them all I could remember. Up to a kiss lasting over three minutes.

Honey said, “After that it’s tongueth.”

We looked at her. She swished her hair about.

Vaisey said, “Tongues? At the same time? What, his tongue and your tongue?”

Honey nodded. “Well, weally you have to impwovise.”

I said, “Yes, but how do you improvise if you haven’t got anyone to improvise with? Ruby said that some boys were so rubbish at kissing that they should practice on something. Maybe we could do that. You know, improvise with something.”

Flossie said, “Like what?”

“Well, Ruby suggested balloons.”

They just stared.

Jo said, “What if you accidentally bit the balloon?”

“Why would you accidentally bite a balloon?” I said.

Honey said, “You can do a bit of a pwactice by using one of your fwends’ legth.”

When it was my turn to practice, I put my lips on Flossie’s calf and Honey said, “Wight, Lullah, try sticking your tongue out just a little bit and sort of darting it in and out.”

So I did. Even though I can’t really imagine when I am going to be kissing someone’s calf. But what do I know?

Then Flossie started groaning and going, “Oooooh, that is so damn good. Why I declare, Miss Tallulah, you’re making me feel sooooo goooooood.”

It was horrific.

In the end, I stopped doing it on the back of Flossie’s leg, because she was doing her Texan accent and it made me feel sort of dirty.

It was better with Honey, but she said I was too tickly, I have to practice more even pressure apparently.

Oooooh, I wish my Dream Boy was here to rescue me. I bet I could get my pressure right with him.

I wanted to go straight up to my squirrel room when I got home. I didn’t feel like hugging or eating anything local, so I said to Dibdobs I had homework to do.

She said, “Oooooh, I bet you are going to be a big superstar, with your lovely long legs and your oooooooohhhhh gorgeousness. Isn’t she gorgeous, boys? Isn’t Tallulah gorgeous? With her legs and everything?”

And so I found myself in a hugging extravaganza anyway. And I’ve got a local sausage in each hand.

As I lie here, cuddling my squirrel slipper and Hammy and eating my sausages, I so wish I had a boyfriend to help me and to talk to. Someone sort of older and more, well, more Alex-shaped. I’ve been practicing my signature for the letter I’m going to write to him.