Jo got a bit defensive. “He has, actually, he’s joining in with the police to help them … with the out-of-control yoof.”

I said, “He IS the out-of-control yoof.”

Vaisey said, “Help the police? What, like an informer?”

Flossie said, “Is he called ‘Phil-the-policeman’s-friend’ now?”

Jo went red. “No, it’s a campaign. It’s to let the police know that teenage boys are people too.”

I said, “But that’s a lie, isn’t it? My brother isn’t a person.”

Flossie said, “I’m not being rude or anything, but what could Phil help the police with?”

Jo said, “Phil’s good at loads of things.”

We looked at her.

Jo said, going even redder, “Well, he’s really excellent at … erm … kissing.”

I said, “That’s not what policemen like, is it though? They don’t like being kissed by teenage boys.”

Vaisey said, “Policemen don’t like being kissed by babies but Phil, er, he’s quite, well, he’s not a baby, is he?”

Flossie said, “If he’s going around kissing policemen, he’s a dead man.”

As we chomped away, thinking about kissing policemen, three very big girls I had never seen before came lumbering up. They looked at us like we were snot girls, then they sat on the wall at the other side of the Blind Pig courtyard and started chewing gum.

Ruby said quietly, “Oh, bloody hell, it’s the other Bottomly sisters, Chastity, Diligence, and Ecclesiastica.”

I started to laugh.

“Ecclesiastica? Does she get called Eccles for short?”

Ruby said, “No. Dun’t start, they’re Bible names and they don’t think it’s funny. The Bottomlys dun’t think owt is funny, except fighting. In between bus driving, their mam does cage fighting in Leeds.”

Chas, Dil, and Eccles, as I called them (quietly in my brain), were looking at us and then they lit up fags.

I whispered out of the corner of my mouth, “Are they going to get their pipes out next?”

One of them shouted across, “What are you stuckup madams looking at?”

Oh dear.

Ruby said, “That’s Ecclesiastica. You’re lucky she’s in a good mood.”

Mr. Barraclough came out of The Blind Pig and said to Ruby, “Rubes, say night-night to the thespians, it’s school tomorrow.”

The Bottomly sisters started laughing and going, “Oooooohhh, it’s SCHOOL t’morra. Say night-night.”

Mr. Barraclough glanced at the Bottomly sisters and said, “Hello, ladies.” Then he turned to go off into the pub.

Ecclesiastica drew on her fag and said, “Ay up, Grandad.”

Ruby sat down and said, “Oh, well, that’s done it.”

There was a bit of a quiet moment, then Mr. Barraclough turned around and said to Ecclesiastica, “Is my wall comfortable enough for your enormous arse, dear? Or is it time you took it somewhere else?” And the other two sisters sniggered. Eccles went a sort of dull red color but she didn’t move—she just kept looking at Mr. Barraclough.

He said, “Well, I’ve tried to be nice, but I can see I will have to go the whole hog.”

Ruby said, “Dad. Not the …”