But do you think it’ll make any difference in the long run? When my time comes to be judged, will all of these Hail Marys count for anything against what I’ve done? No. I don’t think that they will.

I still haven’t opened the bloody email. I did tell you about it, didn’t I? Honestly, I’m sure it’s nothing, but it is very odd for her to contact me out of the blue like this. And there’s something so commanding about it. ‘You need to know’. I don’t see why it’s up to her to tell me what I need to know. Maybe I should delete it.

I saw Mimi and the twins today. Popped in for morning tea. I was trying to be helpful. I wanted her to let me do something for her. Anything. A load of washing. Stack the dishwasher. Change their nappies. But she wouldn’t let me! In the end, I think I was more trouble for her. Instead of resting, she was fussing over me, making me a pot of tea and a slice of raisin toast, telling me to sit down and relax. That wasn’t the point!

But she insisted and somehow, I couldn’t insist back. It was nice though, having a cup of tea made for me.

I wish you would bloody come back and make me a cup of tea again.

Love,

Jill

*

Jill still hated how empty the house felt at night. You’d think she would have grown used to it by now, but she hadn’t. However much she told her sons that she was fine, that she was comfortable, happy, safe. She left strategic lights on throughout the house when she went to bed. The one above the stove in the kitchen. The desk lamp in Frank’s study. The mirror light in the main bathroom. They created small glowing pools of warmth throughout her home. Safe harbour.

But it wasn’t the same as having Frank here with her. She hadn’t realised how much safer he’d made her feel, how much she would miss holding his hand. His old, wrinkly hand with the sunspots and the arthritic bumps. She hadn’t realised how much she’d miss the intimacy that came with having a partner. In truth, they were barely having sex anymore — yes, occasionally, but mostly they were too tired and it took too much effort so they’d simply cuddle together at night. And that was enough.

When Frank was here, they would sleep with the windows thrown open throughout summer, catching the cross breeze to cool the house at night. But now she slept with the windows firmly closed and locked.