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Back You Exist Too Much Save as PDF
Chapters (23)
  1. Title Page
  2. Dedication
  3. Chapter 1
  4. Chapter 2
  5. Chapter 3
  6. Chapter 4
  7. Chapter 5
  8. Chapter 6
  9. Chapter 7
  10. Chapter 8
  11. Chapter 9
  12. Chapter 10
  13. Chapter 11
  14. Chapter 12
  15. Chapter 13
  16. Chapter 14
  17. Chapter 15
  18. Chapter 16
  19. Chapter 17
  20. Chapter 18
  21. Chapter 19
  22. Acknowledgments
  23. About the Author

“You know, I really don’t need this right now.” I turned around, opened the door that led outside, and slammed it behind me. As I trudged into the woods, I could hear Molly calling out my name. I kept going. Everything inside me was beating: my heart, my chest, my throat. This wasn’t normal: I shouldn’t have gotten so upset, I shouldn’t have lost control the way I did. I needed help, I thought to myself, and then remembered that I was getting help. But it just didn’t feel like I was getting any better. I thought of that slogan: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I never confessed; I just hoped the feelings would go away. But instead they spread like a disease, rushing through my veins and lining my stomach until I felt nauseated. I then stopped and stood still as another slogan seeped into my head: Secrets keep us sick.

Chapter 12

12

“TELL HER.” RICHARD NODDED IN CHARLOTTE’S DIRECTION. He sat with his legs crossed, shoes off, holding a socked foot in his hand. “Tell her, ‘Charlotte, I’m struggling with an attraction to you.’”

I looked around at the others, at the poster-board signs taped to the walls listing in crayon the different ways a person could feel: Sad, Bad, Mad, Afraid. I looked out the window onto the woods, and then at the sloped ceiling. My ponytail reached farther down my back as I tilted my head. I would need to cut my hair when I got home. I shifted my eyes to the Sanskrit character tattooed on Charlotte’s ankle peeking out from underneath her pant leg. Her dark hair was pulled back that day, making her cheekbones more pronounced, her round hazel eyes even rounder. I fixed my gaze just below them as I spoke. “Charlotte”—my voice sounded like it belonged to someone else—“I’m struggling with an attraction to you.”

A gong sounded inside my chest and vibrated through my fingertips out into the room. I regretted bringing it up. I continued, “When I told you I was falling for someone, it shouldn’t have been you that I went to for help.” I glared at the floor, unable to look at her anymore. “I’m so sorry if I violated your boundaries.”

After confessing I felt hollow. Deflated, like someone had popped a balloon that had filled up inside me. I could feel my shame morphing into anger, and suddenly I was furious. It didn’t seem fair that I longed for this woman I hardly knew. It didn’t seem fair that I was there at all.