‘You’re very reserved,’ she said. ‘I like that. I don’t get a lot of it at work.’

‘Why do you run that place?’

‘I have to do something for a living. Can’t depend on Prince Charming at my age.’ She laughed. ‘Or with my tastes.’

Stand by your man, said Tammy, and show the world you love him.

‘I’m thinking of having a Country and Western Festival in the summer, what about it?’ Gail was taking the corners too fast.

‘What will we have to wear?’

She laughed again, more shrilly this time. ‘Don’t you like your little body stocking? I think you look gorgeous.’ She pronounced the word with an accented ‘O’ so that it sounded less like a compliment and more like the gaping chasm.

‘It’s very good of you to drop me off,’ I said. ‘I can offer you something if you like.’

‘Ooh yes,’ she said. ‘Ooh yes.’

We got out of her car under the frozen sky. I unlocked my door with frozen fingers and invited her in with a frozen heart.

‘Lovely and warm in here,’ she said snuggling herself in front of the stove. She had a vast bottom. It reminded me of a pair of shorts a boyfriend of mine had once worn which said (GL)ASS. HANDLE WITH CARE. She wiggled and knocked over a Toby jug.

‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘It was too fat for the fireplace.’

She eased herself into the trembling armchair and accepted my offering of cocoa with a leer about Casanova. I had thought that was an esoteric fact.

‘It’s not true,’ I said. ‘Chocolate is a wonderful sedative.’ Which isn’t true either but I thought Gail Right might be susceptible to a bit of Mind over Matter. I yawned pointedly.

‘Busy day,’ she said. ‘Busy day. Makes me think of other things. Dark exciting things.’

I thought of treacle. What would it be like to be caught in the wallow of Gail Right?

I had a boyfriend once, his name was Carlo, he was a dark exciting thing. He made me shave off all my body hair and did the same to himself. He claimed it would increase sensation but it made me feel like a prisoner in a beehive. I wanted to please him, he smelled of fir cones and port, his long body passion-damp. We lasted six months and then Carlo met Robert who was taller, broader and thinner than me. They exchanged razorblades and cut me out.

‘What are you dreaming about?’ asked Gail.

‘An old love.’

‘You like ’em old do you? That’s good. Mind you, I’m not as old as I look, not when you get down to the upholstery.’

She gave the armchair a mighty thwack and a cloud of dust settled over her exhausted make-up.

‘I have to tell you now Gail that there’s someone else.’

‘There always is,’ she sighed and stared into the murky lumps of her cocoa like a fortune teller on a fix. ‘Tall, dark, and handsome?’