“What—” Ben begins, but I tell him to be quiet, and I smile, and then I take him by his arms and squeeze him, lifting him slightly off the floor; and then I bend over him and wrap my body around him, my chin on his shoulder, my neck against his neck, feeling his pulse as if it is mine. As I drop him, I take my keys out of my pocket, and then open Ben’s hand and place them inside it. “I have to go,” I say.

Ben doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me, his mouth open, blood from my mouth smeared on his skin. And then I leave; I leave Ben’s life intact—tiny and beautiful—and my own life with him, behind me.

Acknowledgments

Thank you—

To Nina Efimova, for your puppets—the puppet Baba Yaga exists in these pages because, a century ago, you made her from wood and an old, stained kitchen rag.

To Bernice Bing, Amrita Sher-Gil, Mirosław Bałka, Joseph Beuys, La Monte Young, Senga Nengudi, and Caravaggio—for your art, which helped shape Lydia into the artist she is.

To chefs and people celebrating Asian cuisines, everywhere. Throughout Woman, Eating, Lydia harbors an obsession with Japanese food; only at the end does she recognize her desire for Malaysian food too. I wanted her first taste of Malaysian cuisine to be a good one—the fragrant rice, broken noodles, and crispy ground lamb she enjoys at the end are dishes created by Julie Lin of Julie’s Kopitiam in Glasgow. The pandan dessert is Madame Chang’s pandan kaya.

To my family, who have offered me endless support—my Jiji and Baba, Tomoji, Eriko, Ayano, Reiko, and Albert.

To friends—Yasuko, Charles, Erika and Amy, Misa and Grim, Ai, Shin, Megumi and Noriko, Rory, Liz, Yunhan, Su, Hugh, Becka, James, Chris, Kat, Vinny, and Marion; Charlotte, for our friendship like Hovis; Misha, for listening always, for Glebe; Jess, my stein; and to others whose names I haven’t listed—for your love and support.

Deeply, to Ruth, for everything. And to your friend, also, and to Oliver.

To Annabel, for twenty years ago being the best tree-climbing and bow-and-arrow-making friend; and since then, for everything you have done for this book and beyond, and for helping me kill Venus.

To Aisha, my soulfrog, for your companionship in everything to do with writing and life.

To Karen—you took care of my dreams, nurtured and encouraged them. Thank you so much.

To Deborah, for your generosity and kindness. And, for advice and reading early drafts, Tom, Annabel, Liz, Polly, Aisha, Kalliopi, Rebecca, and Mark.

To everyone at Virago: Kim, Zoe, Ailah; and to Sarah, my editor—you have been a gift to this book; you are like an angel editor sent from editor heaven. Everyone at HarperVia: Alexa, Alicia, and Stephen; and to Tara—Lydia’s godmother if she ever had one—for your invaluable advice and support.