I heard a whimper escape me before I could stop it, felt Magnus’s soft thumbs wipe tears from my cheeks. “I don’t want to lie to you, Magnus.”

“Then don’t.” His lips blessed my forehead, my salty cheek, my nose, each kiss sweeping my breath and pulse into madness. “Say what you want from me. Whatever your answer, I’ll take it like a man.”

“I-I came here in the first place—” I took a steadying breath as he kissed my temple. “I came here for your patronage, Magnus. That’s why I’m here.”

It wasn’t a lie if it was true. And it was, even if it wasn’t the only truth. Maybe I was as wrong as Magnus for withholding the rest of it … that I wanted him. That I would give anything to be with him. That I love—

A sudden sob escaped Magnus’s throat, his hands at my face trembling. “You don’t want me?” he whispered, and he might as well have stabbed me in the chest.

I swallowed, speaking slowly to control my voice. “I’ll never be able to find more work without your patronage.”

“This is your answer?” He nodded without waiting for me to confirm, almost absently, as if his heart wasn’t in the action. “I will do my best to obey you…” He grabbed hold of the rail to steady himself, and I balanced between the desire to comfort him and the thought of holding back so as not to make the situation worse. But as he hung his head and cried, pain shot through every inch of my gut, and then it was I holding his jaw in my hands, tasting his tears as I kissed his face.

“Don’t cry,” I begged, in vain. He lowered himself into a crouch, his head between his knees, holding the rail for support, and wept. And I was too cowardly to stay to see it.

I rushed back up the stairs to my room, locked the door, and buried myself under the covers to cry.

Not a good survival habit, Andi.

At least, that’s what Jember would say. But I was in a safe place, and I was alone … oh God, so alone.

I kicked off the blanket and went to the barrel of water in the corner, dunking my face into it. Despite my room being warm, the water was cold enough to shock me into calming down. I held my breath until I was more concerned with my lungs than my heart, and came up panting, my chest burning.

I’d never cared about boys before. Why was this one any different?

I dried my face and made my way back downstairs. If I was going to be here only for the sake of working, I had to abide by Magnus’s rules.