Cassie and I took turns caring for our son, Rox, at night, with her leading the charge. Shoving me out of bed whenever it was my turn. She was still using then, but not nearly as much as me. That night, though, she must have had more than usual, because she was passed out deep. I crashed in the bed beside her, still clothed, and woke up hours later to the most dreadful silence I’d ever heard. That place was never quiet, man. Rox had a set of pipes that could put Caspian to shame.

Cassie and I woke at about the same time. Checked the clock and saw the blurred digits showing 4-something. Way past my nightly shift. She rose from the bed and I stayed put, partly due to the hangover already setting in, but also from some premonitory fear. I knew something was wrong. Could sense it like a silent alarm.

Then I heard her scream. Like something I’d conjured. A shriek that zapped my brain with an electric shock. I leapt out of bed and rushed into the living room where we kept Rox’s crib tucked in a corner. The only space for it in our four-hundred-square-foot studio. I looked and saw that the crib was empty and my first thought was that someone had kidnapped my son. An overzealous fan or jilted lover. We’d have to call the police, send out an Amber Alert. Then I saw the way Cassie was hunched over and staring at something on the ground. Rox wasn’t stolen. He’d crawled out of his crib at some point in the night and landed on the hardwood floor. I won’t describe the scene any more than that. I can’t, really. I’ve done everything I can to block it out.

He survived, but his future was destroyed. So were my tenuous rock aspirations, which is fair penance for my negligent behavior. Actually, none of what happened is fair.

Cassie quit her job to stay at home. Good thing she’s a great mom. Rox requires a lot of care. In many ways he’s still an infant. Where-oh-where would she be without me?

The singer from Midnight Oil was singing about paying the rent, about paying our share, while, beside me, Caspian had begun to snore.

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

I remember looking down at the front console right as the clock struck midnight and being happy that I’d made it through another day. Feeling a mixture of pride and shame over having put myself in this position in the first place. Wondering where the scale tipped in terms of trade-offs. What the biggest mistake had been. The lifestyle, or bringing others into the mix. Would things have gotten so bad if I’d never met Cassie? If we’d never had Rox?