Did he have to bring up her mother? Her mother wanted to come for Thanksgiving, but Suzanne told her the house wasn’t ready for visitors. Actually, Suzanne had shouted into the phone, “Not now, Mom!” She’d meant to call back to apologize, but hadn’t.

It wasn’t her mother’s fault, she reminded herself. Why was it she couldn’t manage to forgive her? And for what? Her father was the one who had abandoned them.

For years, she’d thought he’d left because she was a disappointing daughter. The inner child in her still thought so—a psychologist had explained this to her—but the outer adult could see it was ridiculous: fathers didn’t throw over their families because their daughters failed their ice-skating tests. Still, it was hard for her to rule out a correlation. The night before he left, when he came to kiss her good night, she’d told him she’d fallen while doing a backward swizzle. “That’s all right, champ,” he’d said. “You’ll get it next time.” But there hadn’t been a next time. She’d given up ice skating. Given up the clean white skates and the promise of sequined dresses, the glides and twirls that felt like flying. She’d never flown again.

She lay awake for a long time, tolerating Grant’s arm around her, imprisoning her. She felt him drop off to sleep, his weight sinking into hers.

“You’ll never leave us, right?”

“What?” he said, waking. “No.”

She had made him swear to it before she agreed to marry him, and she needed to hear it periodically. Neither she nor their potential children were going to go through what she and her mother went through. That was part of why she wanted to be a success. Needed to be a success. If ever she were alone, she had to be able to support her child—her children—without subjecting them to humiliating compromises.

“You love me,” she said, after long minutes.

He had drifted off again; this time the sleep was deeper.

“Right?” she whispered, into his ear.

“Mm-hm,” he said, turning over. In an instant he was snoring, leaving her to lie awake, wondering whether he had heard her.

10

NOVEMBER 24