‘This is not your fault, Anna,’ I heard Mum say, and I opened my eyes to look at her. Her gaze was flitting between me and the road, her eyes intent on making sure I was hearing what she was saying. ‘And it is not only your problem to bear or to solve.’

It was amazing, the way she was being. I wanted to trust it. I hoped I could trust it.

Mum went back to watching the road and I closed my eyes again and took my hands from my belly and folded my arms across my chest. My arms hung there like a hug, and the car rocked me, by myself in my own casual embrace, and I let it. It felt good. It felt whole, like a new part of me that said that while it was nice to have Mum’s support, hers and Dad’s and Basil’s and Leonie’s and Nassim’s, that was exactly what it was: nice. Not necessary. What was necessary was this, my arms hugged around myself.

There was a pause while I mustered the strength to say what I wanted to say.

‘I’d like things to change, Mum. Really. No empty promises.’

‘I know,’ she said. ‘I’m going to try.’

‘That’s all I can ask.’

‘I’ll probably fail. But I’ll get up and keep trying. That’s all I can do.’

‘And I promise I won’t disappear as long as you’re trying, okay?’

‘Okay.’

Mum looked forward as she drove. Her hands gripped the wheel, tightly.

‘Are you okay, Mum?’

She turned to me and smiled. ‘Yes. It just feels good to be driving away again. Good in an awful way, if that makes sense.’

‘Not at all.’

She laughed grimly at herself and shook her head. ‘I’ve never been good at the emotional stuff.’

‘Yeah, Leonie said something like that, like it’s our family tradition, or something.’

The laughter left her and she just looked tired. ‘Thing is, I don’t know if that’s naturally who I am. I don’t know if I would have been different if all that had never happened – I think maybe, but I can never know, which makes me sad. I can never know who I would have been without that experience, what sort of mother – but I do know that as an adult, I’m just not good at the touchy-feely stuff. Sorry.’

‘That’s okay. I mean, it is what it is, right?’

‘Right.’ Mum sighed.

‘So, Mum, I just have to say this. And I don’t mean it to hurt you – it just needs to be out there, okay?’

‘Oh. Um –’

‘I don’t think I can forget. I don’t think I want to forget. I can understand now that you were trying your best. I couldn’t see that before, so I want you to know that I don’t think badly of you now, but . . . I guess what I’m trying to say is that it has to be okay for me to feel like your best wasn’t good enough. Not for a kid. Not for me.’