Then there was disorder in Olivia’s household. Olivia was mourning the recent deaths of her father and brother. Her uncle, Sir Toby Belch, was drunk and exercising his inebriated sense of humor. (Jayden made for a fine alcoholic uncle.) The maid, Maria (Daisy), scolded Sir Toby for upsetting the peace—but, like, in a friendly, sexually charged sort of way. Sir Andrew Aguecheek (Patrick) was a doofus knight whom Sir Toby had brought along to woo Olivia. But really, Sir Toby was just manipulating Sir Andrew for shits and giggles, and also spending all his money. Feste (Tucker)—Olivia’s melancholy, philosophical, and oddly hilarious jester—also stumbled in completely sloshed, and got shit from Maria as well, because apparently she was the only vaguely responsible person on the premises. Lastly, Malvolio (Willow), Olivia’s steward, entered and proceeded to shit on everyone’s party.

Everyone—even Maria—hated that motherfucker Malvolio.

Everyone’s acting was messy and kind of terrible, but today was our first real day of acting, and we were basically here by school mandate and/or coercion, so it was kind of forgivable.

In the next scene, Viola was dressed as a man—going by the name Cesario—and had become employed by Orsino. Her first job, given by the Duke himself, was to send a message of love from him to Olivia.

“Prosper well in this,” said Holden. “And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord, to call his fortunes thine.”

“I’ll do my best to woo your lady,” I said, and then, softly, through the fourth wall, “yet, a barful strife! Whoe’er I woo, myself would be his wife.”

Thus, we learned that Viola had a case of the hots for the Duke. But this was only a preface to the Moment We’d All Been Waiting For. (And by “we,” I mean “I.”)

In scene 5, Olivia was about to meet Viola (dressed as a dude, of course).

“The honorable lady of the house, which is she?” I said.

“Speak to me,” said Imogen. “I shall answer for her. Your will?”

Olivia knew better than to confess her identity. She was quite apt at handling the trolls Duke Orsino sent her way, professing his unrequited love. She’d been dodging his not-so-subtle advances for a while now, and he still hadn’t gotten the hint. Duke Orsino had a very if-at-first-you-don’t-succeed-try-again attitude. Applied to modern-day dating ethics, it was superbly creepy and annoying.

“Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,” I said. “I pray you tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her.”

Unfortunately, Duke Orsino’s messenger monkey or not, Olivia was no match for Viola’s boyish charm. With young Cesario saying suave things like “good gentle one, give me modest assurance” and “by the very fangs of malice I swear,” who could blame her? Olivia crumbled and confessed her identity. She then inquired:

“What is your parentage?”