But then there was the crushing migraine, like my head was pinned beneath the tire of a Ford Super Duty, the churning feeling of everything on my inside wanting to be on my outside, and a half-drained bottle of pinot noir on Wynonna’s nightstand. Sweaty clumps of blue hair were matted across my face, and my breath—if I had to brand it and give it a name—smelled like Eviscerated Decomposing Corpse®.

I groaned and rolled onto my side. There was Wynonna fucking Jones, staring bleary-eyed back at me through the reflection in her mirror-paneled sliding closet door. Vomit was crusted on my chin, and all over the Echo & the Bunnymen T-shirt I was wearing.

Great.

Only twenty-four hours into this nightmare, and I was sooooooo past feeling embarrassed in a girl’s body. I crawled out of bed with all the maneuverability of a tank, marched straight to the bathroom, and stripped naked. I shed Wynonna’s vomit-y clothes like a snake sheds its skin—with purpose, a natural evolution, no looking back. I immediately stepped into the shower and cranked the heat and water pressure to I Don’t Want to Have Skin Anymore. Hot jets rained down on me, washing away the sick and the sweat and the self-destruction of yesterday.

Finally, after several minutes of physical and spiritual cleansing, I was drawn against my better judgment to glance down.

Now, I’m no virgin when it comes to nudity. (Only when it comes to sex.) I’ve seen all of Game of Thrones. And after Game of Thrones, what is there possibly left to see?

The answer is: a lot.

Wynonna’s body was weird. And I don’t mean that as “unattractive.” More like unexpected. Her tits had a bizarre shape (not as round as I expected), and her nipples had a strange color (brown, very brown), and then there was the so-called va-jim-jam. Except it was kind of hard to get a good look at it because it was covered in hair.

Again, nothing unattractive about it. It was just… weird. Like I was an astronaut exploring the surface of an alien planet. Unexpected and intriguing.

Getting dressed was a different experience today. Maybe it was just the cataclysmically rough start to my morning, or the shitstain-of-a-day that was yesterday, but I really felt like not looking like shit.