The screen went black, and screeching string instruments filled the silence, and the title—Splatter IV: The Reckoning—literally splattered across the screen.

“God, these movies are so terrible,” I said. “I love it.”

“Whoever picked this movie out,” said Wynezra, “I hate you.”

“I thought you loved these movies,” said Holden.

Wynezra gave a manic, uneasy laugh. “Yeah. Right. Just kidding, guys. I’m so stoked.”

“Shhh,” said a person sitting behind us.

The screen opened to a beautiful college campus—“one year later”—where Jane had made a cast of all-new friends (again), the lot of whom would undoubtedly die (again): the Super Sweet New Boyfriend, the Plucky New Best Friend, the Dude Bro Tool Bag whom the Plucky New Best Friend totally wanted to shag (at least one of whom would die during said shagging), and the Nerdy Comic Relief with Superior Knowledge of Horror Movie Tropes who—in a weird, meta sort of way—had become the tropey-est trope of all.

Seeing as it was the anniversary of Buddy Borden’s death, the five friends decided to revisit the cabin at Camp Skudakumooch—setting of the original Splatter—where the evil known as Buddy Borden was born. Surely this was not a terribly fatal idea.

Jane Jenkins and Plucky New Best Friend were in their dorm room, packing up for the weekend getaway, when Plucky New Best Friend said:

“You know, Jane, when you and Liam got together so fast after… you know… Terrorland… I was a little worried. But I feel like you two are really good for each other.”

“I feel like he’s helped me heal,” said Jane. “His mom’s in a psychiatric hospital for murdering his dad, and my biological dad was a radiation-mutated psycho killer who murdered my mom, my dad who I thought was my real dad, three of my best friends in the whole world, two boyfriends, one guy I was really into, and… so many others, I can’t even handle counting.”

“You’re doing a good job so far,” I said.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” said the eponymous Shusher behind us.

“Do you think he’s going to… you know?” Plucky New Best Friend made a circle with her thumb and index finger, and then pushed her ring finger in and out of it. “Put a ring on it?”

“What? No!” said Jane, in a way that indicated she totally wanted a ring on it. “I mean, maybe. We’ve, you know, talked.”

“Interesting. Because I heard that just yesterday, he and Chuck went to…” Plucky New Best Friend leaned forward. “Jared.”

“I sure hope Jared paid for that advertisement,” I said.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” said Shusher.

Wynezra whipped around. “Do you mind? Your shushing is easily the loudest thing in this whole theater.”

“Shh,” said Shusher.

Wynezra’s head rotated, like she was scanning the theater. “There’s two open seats in the very back, Imogen. Do you wanna sit there instead?”