But he never stopped her mother from hurting her. He never gainsaid her mother.

He was powerless, and as much as she hated to admit it, she wondered how much of her love for him was real and how much she’d built up in her mind over the years, a lifeline to cling to when things got ugly.

She didn’t say anything, though. If she voiced those concerns, then they’d be real. If she kept them quiet, maybe they would die in the dark. Because her father was dead and gone and never coming back, so even if he hadn’t stood up for her, hadn’t protected her in all the ways she wanted him to, what was the point in dredging it up? He wasn’t there to confront. Wasn’t there to talk to. He was gone, and the truth went with him.

So it was better to just let herself have that rose-tinted view. Whether it was real or not didn’t really matter anymore.

“Nita?” Kovit asked, voice concerned.

“Sorry, lost in thought.” She shook her head. “No. I don’t think I have a rose tinted view of much of anything in my past anymore.”

Kovit lay back on the bed. “You know, the strange thing is, even though I still have all these ugly, awful feelings about what I did, and even though the whole world is hunting me, I feel . . . freer than I ever have before. I don’t think I realized that I was slowly being strangled to death by him, and when I cut him down, I felt like I was breathing for the first time in a long time.”

Nita lay down beside him, and said softly, “Sometimes freedom comes at an ugly price.”

He was silent for a moment before he whispered, “I don’t think this guilt will ever go away. I don’t think I’ll ever not feel awful about killing Henry.”

“But you don’t regret it?”

“No.” He swallowed. “It had to be done.”

“Then it’s okay,” Nita said gently. “If you didn’t feel at all guilty, I’d be a bit worried about you. It’s human to feel terrible about something like that.”

He sighed softly. “I know. I just wanted . . . I made the right decision. I just wish it weren’t so hard. I wish that making the right choice wasn’t so painful. If it’s the right decision, it shouldn’t leave you feeling like shit, you know?”

She smiled bitterly. “If only the world worked like that.”

“If only.” He let out a soft sound, then closed his eyes. “But it’s okay. I’m learning to deal with the guilt. I did something terrible, and it’s okay to feel bad about it without regretting my choices. I will always love Henry, just a little, despite it all, and that’s okay too.”