Then again, it would have been my mother doing the corrupting. Beautiful, charming, smart, and calculated, she could have corrupted an entire monastery of monks if she’d put her mind to it. Even as a child I noticed the lingering looks men gave her. The extra attention they paid her, repaid with a hand on the chest, a wink, a slow smile, laughter. I didn’t think there was anything illicit about it at the time. I grew up thinking it was simply the way men and women interacted—that the whole point of men was to pay you attention. Without it, you didn’t really exist.

My phone rings, breaking the trance I’m in. It’s the girls. I shake off the feeling that I’m adrift on an island full of lies and secrets and put on a brave and cheery front when I answer the phone.

They’ve just gotten home from school. Bea is grumpy because she got an A minus on a test. Madeline is grumpy because she’s fourteen. I wonder why they even bothered to call. Neither one is enthused about my plan for them to come stay with me for part of their summer vacation, and I have to answer a dozen or so questions about the availability of Wi-Fi, other kids their age in the area, duration of stay, how bad the bugs are, is it boring, what you do when it rains, whether they can bring a friend or not.

Somehow I resist the urge to scream into the phone that I just found out my mother was an adulterer and lied to me most of my life and so I don’t give a fuck about Wi-Fi. Instead I patiently answer their questions, appalled at how spoiled they suddenly seem to me, and get off the phone as soon as I can, professing how much I miss them. Even from across the country they’re able to suck the life right out of me.

I don’t know if I’m really that well suited to motherhood, even after all these years. I didn’t even think about having kids when I was younger. May was the one who played with dolls, the one who always said, When I’m a mom, I’m going to …

It was Leo who planted the seed in my head. He’d been the editor of my novel back when I was twenty-three. I was one of those rare cases in publishing—an overnight success. Leo, being familiar with the business and three years older than me, helped me navigate the unexpected fame, the book tours, the lectures, the awards and parties.