I WOKE AGAIN at five. Something was bothering me, a wisp of a thought I couldn’t get a hold of. Something I had seen? Something someone had said? And just as I stopped trying to remember, and sleep was pulling me down again, it came to me.

I got out of bed and pulled on my dressing gown. It was very cold in the house. I went to the computer and turned it on, and when it came to life, I Googled “Ramadan”. I knew it always took place during the ninth month of the year; this year it had begun on September 12.

How long did I sit there, staring at the date? I don’t know, perhaps not so long. Time seemed to slow right down. At last I went into the living room and stood in front of my chart. Johnny’s empty wineglass was still on top of it. I took it off and looked very carefully at all the grids. My breath sounded loud in the silent room. I went to the drawer of my desk and pulled out the menu card Fergus had given me, stared at the date at the top and at the scrawled message: “Darling G, you were wonderful this evening. Next time stay the night and I can show you more new tricks!”

The evening of September 12 was the one and only time that I knew for sure Greg had been with Milena. But now I also knew he hadn’t, because she had been with Johnny.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I was tempted to cancel my next appointment with the counselor. I didn’t, but when I arrived I felt I was there under false pretenses, which was how I felt almost everywhere I went and whatever I did. She sat me down and then sat opposite me, but not in an inquisitorial way. “So, how has your week been, Ellie?” she asked.

I considered saying, “Fine,” and leaving it at that. But then I decided that there, in that protected space, I would make an attempt at telling the truth, although nothing like the whole truth. “You talked about me being on a sort of journey,” I said. “I think I’ve gone backwards a bit. In fact, quite a lot.”

She looked puzzled. “How do you mean?”

“Last week you asked me if I accepted that my husband, Greg, had been unfaithful. I said I did. That was an incredibly hard step for me to take. Now I’ve taken another hard step, which is to go back from that. I’m not sure anymore. In fact, I think it’s possible that he wasn’t.”

Judy didn’t look cross. I continued before she had a chance to speak, because I knew that there was worse to admit to and that I’d better get it all out of the way. As I spoke, she watched me.