“Busy? Well, I was busy too, as it happens. You can’t just hide away, you know. Fuck. I pictured you lying in a ditch—or in a bath with your wrists cut or something. If you don’t want to see us, fine, but at least tell us you’re all right. We were going to ring the police if you hadn’t been here this evening.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

“Well, you should have done! That’s no excuse. You should have a bit of consideration.”

Gwen started pulling items out of the bag. Ground coffee, milk, shortbread biscuits, wholemeal bread, salad, carrots, a bottle of wine, eggs. She thumped them down on the table angrily.

“Was that suit Greg’s?” asked Mary.

“Yes,” I said shortly.

“You look great.” There was a hint of accusation in her voice. It would have been better if I’d been haggard and red-eyed with grief. “Doesn’t she look great, Gwen?”

“Hmm. Where have you been?”

“Trying to sort things out.”

Gwen snorted. “That’s a feeble answer.”

“It’s true,” I insisted, and after all, it was in its own way.

“Have you been getting back to your work?”

“Not exactly. A bit.”

“A bit. Have you dealt with your financial stuff, been to the bank and your solicitor, visited his parents, like you said you would?”

“I will soon.”

“So what have you been sorting out?”

“I—There’s a lot of bits and pieces.” It sounded so lame that I blushed to the roots of my hair.

“What are you up to, Ellie?” Gwen asked.

“I’m not up to anything.” But I couldn’t meet her gaze.

“This is us, remember,” said Mary. She had sat down at the table and was now chewing absentmindedly at one of the carrots Gwen had brought.

The phone rang suddenly and I stiffened. But it was only my landline and we waited in silence as the answering machine picked up and Joe’s voice came on: “Ellie. Ellie, honey? It’s me. Come on.” There was a pause, and then he said again, “Ellie?” before hanging up.

“See? Another anxious friend.”

For a moment I considered telling them everything I had done. But to do that wouldn’t I also have to give up my subterfuge, my lies, deceits and unhealthy obsessions? “I’m really, really sorry,” I said. “Honestly I am. I know I’m behaving oddly, wrongly. I can’t explain it properly. I’ve been all over the place.” I twisted my hands together, my naked, ringless fingers. “I keep thinking things will get better.”

“We’re here to help you,” said Gwen. “You know that. Don’t shut us out.”

“No,” I said.