It was night, and I couldn’t see, hear, or do anything. Despite the fact that it was summer, this six-mat, one-room apartment, devoid of furniture or anything else, was cold. A dark and terrible chill filled the isolated space. I held my head and trembled.

I said, “I’m lonely.”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying.”

“I’m so lonely.”

“I am lonely!”

The quivering, shaking, shivering me was clack-clack-clacking his teeth. The me standing in the middle of the room watched this. I thought I’d gone crazy. But I wasn’t crazy.

There were only two things that I understood: I was alone, and I was incredibly lonely. I didn’t want to be in this state. I didn’t want to be lonely.

“Anyway”, I screamed, “that’s why!”

I kept shouting, “Being lonely is natural! Of course, I hate being lonely! That’s exactly why I shut myself off from the world, why I lock myself away. Thinking about it for the long term, this is the best solution. You understand, right? Hey! You understand me, right?”

There was no answer.

“Don’t you understand? Listen carefully to what I’m saying. If you do, you’ll get it. You can grasp this easily. In short… in short, I shut myself in because I’m lonely. Because I don’t want to face any more loneliness, I shut myself away. Hey, do you understand? That’s the answer!”

There was no reply.

“I’m greedier than anyone. I don’t want some half-assed happiness. I don’t need some partial warmth. I want a happiness that goes on forever. That’s impossible, though! I don’t know why it is, but in this world, some interference is sure to come. Important things break right away. I’ve been alive for twenty-two years, and I know at least this much. It doesn’t matter what the thing is, but it will break. That’s why, from the beginning, it’s better not to need anything.”

That’s right! You should learn this truth, too, Misaki. If you do, you won’t come up with more ridiculous plans. You’ll stop looking to people like me for help.

She was terribly stupid. She was clinging to a horrifyingly enormous despair. I was appalled by the loneliness that caused her to seek help from a piece of human trash like me. I cursed the misfortune that had fallen upon her. I cursed the unreasonable fact that children couldn’t choose their parents. I wanted a cheerful girl like her to live a strong, healthy life.

Please, do your best, somewhere. I’m all right. I’ll be fine on my own. It’s best for me to be alone. I’ll live alone and die alone.

Even still, I had hope. I had hope…

Look, just over there—it’s shining, pale, and gentle.