My heart pauses. She’s just joking around because I brought her tacos. But … love. The word is like a small seed, pounding against my rib cage and then expanding into something more.

She moans, biting into the food I’ve made her as the saucy meat drips from the other end into the plate. She’s messy and fucking gorgeous.

“Want the other?” she asks.

“Sure. Let me just …” I lift my thumb, wiping the corner of her lips.

She blushes shyly.

I go ahead and take a large bite. When she’s finished with hers, I offer her the rest of mine. She tries to take it with her hands, but I shake my head from side to side. From my hand, she eats.

The drugs begin to settle into my bones as I put the empty plate back on my desk. She drinks from the glass of water I brought. When that’s done, I drag her into the center of my chest. Having her near me is relief and warmth and joy, all rolled into one. Lauren. She’s here right now, and she’s mine.

Slowly, my thoughts crackle. Fragments of memory join together like magnets as I’m pulled down into a heavy sleep.

I hear a woman’s voice, but it sounds muffled, as though she’s talking through a sheet. I think I know who it is, but I’m too tired to confirm. Has cotton filled my ears? The voice is more urgent now, but I only sink deeper into my bed where sand sits between my toes. I want to tell whoever is talking to just stop. I’m here where I’m supposed to be with Rex in the cot next to mine, snoring. Lead coats my bones, turning them to an unimaginable weight. And there’s nothing to do but let it ride.

17

Lauren

I woke up this morning while Slade was still in a deep sleep. I’ve already showered. Made coffee. Cooked eggs. And still, he sleeps.

Tiptoeing into his room, I take a look at his face, paler than usual. His breaths are so light. Too light?

“Slade,” I whisper-yell, shaking him.

But he doesn’t move. And then he opens his bloodshot eyes, oozing redness.

“Sla—”

He grabs my upper arm and pulls me to his body as a gun moves to my head. The whole world slows down. I can feel the beat of my heart.

“Slade?” I stammer. I want to scream, but I can’t. My entire being is frozen in fear.

He lets me go, puts the gun back beneath his pillow, and throws his legs to one side of the bed before standing. His entire body is coated with a sheen of sweat, but he shivers, as though it were ten below. Darkness circles his eyes. I’m so terrified. I think I might collapse to the ground.

On shaky legs, he enters his bathroom, shutting the door behind him as though I were nothing but air. Like he didn’t just pull a gun on me. A gun! A weapon!