I wiped off the tear that had slipped down one cheek. Had I made a sound?

I chomped my lower lip, drawing blood. The copper tang coated my tongue, but I bit harder to stifle the sob crawling up my throat. It hurt like a jab from a dull knife, but this was a quantifiable sort of pain. My mouth bled because I chose to inflict my teeth upon it. I could handle this predictable and temporary hurt. I had endured far worse—gunshots, stab wounds, and bruising fists. Those were marks of the life I’d chosen, and their duration could be guessed at, even shortened. By tomorrow, my lip would heal. Though tender, it would eventually be whole again.

But the agony of knowing Lianna would never recover, never offer a sage word, never thump her boots in time with mine hurt in a way that couldn’t be quantified. I’d lost my first mate, my father’s most trusted companion—even more trusted than me, I’d wager—and I saw no end to this pain in sight. This scar might never fully heal. This wound had the potential to drain me slowly, leave me a husk. After all, look at what I had become after my father’s death. Yet for that, I’d carried no responsibility and no haunting images. Rylander had killed a part of me that day, and I had vowed to repay him in kind. But he and I had slaughtered Lianna together instead.

Krinny still waited, dark eyes aglow with the flame of the oil lamp, her raven hair spilling over one shoulder.

“I shouldn’t have said yes…” I croaked, unable to admit the deeper truths. Wearing the captain’s hat meant warding off trouble with a stern look and a quick mind. It meant the crew leaned on me, so how could I tell Krinny that the weight of my own grief and the burden of keeping them all safe was about to crush me to death? What would she think of me then?

“The sirens have gotten worse, Lou. We are no longer safe. You made the right choice to hear out King Adelphi, and you didn’t do it for revenge.”

I frowned at her, but she tsked away the look. “You may fool yourself into believing you had selfish reasons, but you can’t fool me,” she said.

“I asked for his head as payment. Doesn’t that count as self-seeking?” I barked, arms crossed tight as I rolled away from Dara. Krinny talked to me like a protective aunt, and yet, she remained naive to my inabilities. How badly had she deceived herself to keep spewing such blind faith in a teenaged vagabond? I knew how to stir trouble, loot a man of any station, and throw a vicious right hook. I knew how to be a pirate, but lead them? I knew next to nothing.