“Yeah, but don’t put your lips to it. I can only imagine where they were last night.”

“If yer referring to one Ms. Susan McWhite, she prefers her men scrawny and smart. Here’s tae ye.” He unscrewed the lid and took a big gulp, his eyes bugging out as he gagged on my urine.

I smiled. “If you’re hungry, lad, I can shit you a turd sandwich to go with it.”

The subject of bowel movements always comes up for astronauts and submersible pilots. Occupying a cramped cockpit over an extended period of time requires proper preparation. It was one thing for Ben and me to use a urine bottle and pop a few pills to temporarily shut down our bowels while we dove in Prydz Bay; Vostok was an entirely different mission. Each dive would average between fourteen and thirty hours.

Upon arriving at the dome, our submersible techs had swapped the Barracuda’s leather bucket seats for advanced models with built-in waste-collection systems. A suction hose disposed of urine into a cache beneath our seat. Bowel movements required the removal of a section of the seat, exposing a wastehole a third the size of a normal toilet. A privacy curtain separated Ming’s cockpit from ours. I won’t provide the rest of the gory details other than to say the three of us ingested plenty of large intestine suppressants in the hope of rendering the matter moot.

To utilize the waste-collection system required wearing a specially designed jumpsuit with easy access panels. Thus was born the ECU: Extreme Conditions Uniform. Lightweight and flexible, the ECU had panels in all the right places and contained built-in sensors to monitor our vital signs, an internal heating unit with a scalp-tight hood with ear holes for our headphones, and circulation cuffs fitted around the biceps, thighs, and calves, which inflated and deflated periodically to prevent cramps and blood clots.

Having consumed our pre-launch meal and used the toilet one last time, Ben and I emerged from our tents in our black ECUs like two modern-day Ninja.

Ming was dressed in her bodywear and looked incredible. Her technical team led us to the gantry where the Barracuda was suspended horizontally in its harness with the acrylic cockpit open. We climbed into our assigned seats while our techs plugged the hoses from our uniforms into their appropriate sockets.

True held up his iPhone to snap a photo. “For Brandy and William… and the Inverness Courier.”

For some reason, my thoughts turned to my old science teacher, Joe Tkalec.

True clicked off a few shots. “Oh, and ye’ll be happy tae learn tha’ Susan found me the perfect job. I’m working with the team that’ll be sealing yer borehole. I equate it ta givin’ Antarctica a suppository, followed by a frosty enema chaser.”

“You’re a class act, Finlay True MacDonald.”