Opened my front door, found a baby with a note. “This is yours.” Tried to remember who I’d slept with. Gotta stop drinking.

Valarie used her baby spoon from childhood to eat wherever she went. Her happiest memories were before boys, bills, and responsibilities.

Cindy shook her money maker, late at night, for tips. She dreamed of being a dentist, fixing the broken smiles that gawked at her.

“Yes, there were things called newspapers. People would buy them to read about what happened the day before.” “Daddy, what’s paper?”

It was you. Your kiss that injected me with this sickness. Your passionate, wet, slobbery, flu-ridden kiss. Let me return the favor.

Bert put the saxophone on the counter and picked up the $20. In the morning, he would be gone, before his son missed his instrument.

Bill and Keith sped past the fires, mudslides, and earthquakes. This was LA. To get your movie deal, those were minor obstacles.

4 a.m. You are asleep. I am awake. I am trying on your clothes. In the morning, you will wake up alone with nothing to wear.

Re-shelving books, Walter found pics of Jilly, the librarian, lying nude on a huge pile of books. She’d do anything to promote reading.

It was the moment that changed Sam’s life. Mary said yes to prom. It led to kissing, marriage, two kids, divorce, alimony, and loneliness.

Rex played in the wine cellar during the party. Parents embarrassed by their untalented child. He wrote his best-selling memoir there.

It had started with a three-day weekend. Julie had lounged and taken it easy. Now, the bed had her and wasn’t letting go.

Megan walked inside from the rain. Disappointed it hadn’t worked. None of her troubles had been washed away. She was still pregnant.

Ken sat opposite the bear on the life raft. Each eyeing the other. Soon the food would run out and somebody would get eaten.

I bought a jaguar today. Not a car, an ACTUAL jaguar. I figure it will impress women more than a car. I got a two-seat saddle for it.

After losing his job, Nigel lived without caution. Even when the forecast called for rain, he refused to carry an umbrella.

Jared won the lottery. He bought a diamond-encrusted fountain pen. Big mistake. It inspired him to write checks, spending all the money.

Mitch looked through the pictures in the camera hoping to find one he liked. Unfortunately, they were all of him.

“Never did this before,” said Gina. She fumbles with the lock and opens her door. Inside I hand her the $50. She hands me the homework.

I used to like pineapple. Don’t like it anymore. Four years. It was the only thing that would grow on that island.