It soon became apparent, in their minimalist warehouse apartment, that neither his jacket nor his phone were there. Shit, shit, shit. He had to stop getting so pissed. As he tried to piece together the events of the previous night, he remembered speaking to Poppy just before they headed to the final bar, the late one. That was where his phone and jacket had to be. But what the fuck was the bar called? Was it in a hotel? He had a vague inkling that it might have been on a roof somewhere.

Decisively – or as decisively as he could when he was feeling so rough – he sat down at the kitchen table and opened his laptop. Lars would know.

Hey buddy. Left my bastard phone and jacket somewhere last night. Don’t suppose you could call the last bar for me and see if they’re there, could you, before I have to start cancelling things? (What was the bar called, btw? Were we in a hotel? I seem to have a bit of an – erm – memory lapse). Cheers mate.

Then he emailed Poppy:

Good morning my darling. Congratulations again, you clever thing! You’ll never believe it but I seem to have lost my fucking phone (hoping it hasn’t been stolen). What a bloody nightmare – I’m dying to talk to you. Maybe we should have gone with the old landline after all. Will let you know how I get on finding it in a bit. Love you, Me xxxxxxx

Then, as there was nothing practical he could do until Lars got back to him, he decided to see what he could find out about Poppy’s award online. As he typed poppy wallace pluto awards into Google, entry after entry flashed up at him, and a proud smile slowly crossed his face. He clicked on one of them.

Movie and TV fans were left gasping when Best TV Newcomer Poppy Wallace was threatened in the crowd by a crazed stalker brandishing a knife.

What? Damian read on, heart beating furiously – why hadn’t Poppy told him?

In a moment of exquisite bathos, the knife turned out to be a crucifix, and the stalker a well-known ‘professional fan’ (we all know what that means, don’t we kids? LOSER!). But the real story was Poppy’s dramatic rescue by none other than HOT HOT HOT Brit actor, Ben Jones – who stars in next year’s sure-fire big hit Beyond the Sea, with new best buddy Jack Meadows, fact fans. Poppy, who has been married to unemployed British journalist Damian Evans for less than six months, spent the rest of the evening looking très cosy with Ben and Jack, even accompanying them both to Jack’s villa for his legendary after-party. Sensationally, Poppy left her then boyfriend Damian (now husband – keep up, losers) for Ben back in London ONLY LAST YEAR, before their fling fizzled out. Is history repeating itself, we wonder? And what of poor Damian? According to friends, he has become something of a recluse since losing his job on failed Brit mag Stadium earlier this year, and some even say he is resentful of Poppy’s success. We’re betting he won’t like this latest development one teensy iota. Watch this space, gossip fans …