She picked up the card her parents had given her and looked inside.

‘Were so proud of you Sam,’ it said. ‘Your going to have the bestest time at Uni.’ She cried a bit more as she read her mother’s sweetly meant and ungrammatical message. ‘Loads of love from Mum and Dad.’ They had each signed it, with flourishes of kisses. Ryan had written on the other side, ‘luv you sam hav fun’ and drawn a surprisingly accomplished picture of her in a mortarboard.

Sam sat down on the floor and let herself cry until she thought she couldn’t cry any more. She missed them so much. It was so tempting to give up now. What was she doing here anyway? She didn’t belong with these people.

She was sobbing so hard that she didn’t hear the tentative tapping at her door until it got louder and louder.

‘What?’ she shouted.

‘Sam, are you OK?’

‘What the fuck do you think?’ Sam managed through her tears.

‘Open the door, darling. I think they’re a bunch of cunts and you probably need a hug,’ said the voice.

Slowly, Sam got to her feet and opened the door, only to see Sienna Bitch-Hoffmann standing there, like some bloody aerial nymph or fairy in pale green lace. She was carrying a bottle of Dom Pérignon.

‘Go away.’

‘I’m not going anywhere.’ Sienna waltzed in as if she owned Sam’s room and put the bottle of champagne on her desk. Then she turned around and put her skinny arms around Sam. It was so nice, and so unexpected, that Sam just cried and cried and cried until Sienna said, ‘OK, enough’s enough. This is Lanvin and I’ll have to get it dry-cleaned if you carry on crying on it like this. Let’s have a drink. Though I can’t see many receptacles left …’ She indicated the broken crockery on the floor and Sam opened her cupboard to produce the mug saying STUDENT BABE that her mum had bought her.

‘You have that, I’m quite happy to swig from the bottle,’ said Sienna, expertly opening the Dom Pérignon with barely a pop and pouring it into the mug.

‘Why are you being nice to me?’ Sam sniffled.

‘Because I think you’ve been treated horribly and Josh is the biggest cunt on the planet. Who the fuck does he think he is? “Kit off, kit off, kit off!” indeed. Arsehole. We should try to get his kit off in public – apparently his cock’s tiny.’

Sienna wiggled her little finger and Sam laughed, despite herself.

‘That’s better,’ said Sienna. ‘For what it’s worth, I’m bloody jealous! I saw the photos and, good God, what wouldn’t I give for tits like those! I’ve been bee-stung my entire life. Where did you get them done?’

‘They’re not fake,’ Sam muttered miserably, feeling like a freak of nature again. ‘I had glandular fever when I was 14 …’

Sienna laughed. ‘Well, in that case, you really are bloody lucky! Every man’s wet dream! And if those idiotic boys out there are threatened by a woman who’s, by all accounts, highly intelligent and has great knockers, then it’s their moronic problem. Don’t you think?’