To my surprise, I find you in the boys’ room, sitting in the chair by the window with Quentin on your lap. He has stopped crying and is playing with a toy rabbit you have given him. Julian is kneeling on the floor at your feet, listening eagerly to your story. I perch on one of the beds, reluctant to interrupt. You look at me but before we can speak, Julian tugs at your sleeve, urging you to continue. I close my eyes. Your story is about the fairies that play at the bottom of the garden. I remember Mother’s tales of the creatures that lived in the old sheep’s skull Thoby found washed up on the beach at St. Ives. To calm your fears Mother wound her green shawl round its horns, and as she tucked you into bed said how it was like a mountain, with valleys and flowers and goats running about. I get up and wander to the window. Duncan has finished painting and is smoking in the garden, his back resting against one of the trees. I think how beautiful he looks as he stares up at the sky. When I turn away you are watching me. You gaze to where Duncan is still standing under the tree. It is impossible to conceal my love from you.

Leonard is waiting for me as the taxi pulls up in front of your house. He comes toward me as I pay the fare. I can see by his face how anxious he is. Ka has already arrived and we hug each other as Leonard lists your symptoms. We decide Leonard and I should consult Savage at once.

I ask to see you first. You are lying in the darkened room and I sit on the bed beside you. You do not repulse me. I feel calmer now that I know the wild rantings Leonard has witnessed are over. I put my hand on your shoulder and make you promise you will try to eat.

We are in Savage’s waiting room when Ka phones. Leonard’s face goes pale as the nurse hands him the receiver. I guess at once what you have done.

The taxi plunges through crowded streets. We go over the details of Ka’s message. As soon as we arrive Leonard throws open the door and hurries inside the house. I follow slowly to your room. I know even before Leonard finds the empty phial that it is pointless trying to wake you.

The doctors work through the night. We are not allowed to see you. I sit on a chair in the drawing room and stare into the fire.

I cannot bear the thought of life without you.

6