I have a recurring dream. In it I am sitting by a window, looking out over a garden. I am wearing Mother’s green shawl and there is a boy by my side. He is cutting shapes from a magazine, frowning as he concentrates on his task. You are in the garden, reclining in a deck chair, your notebook open on your knee. I watch your hand move implacably across your page. Suddenly I become aware of a presence in the doorway. I look up and glimpse a man’s outline, but the brilliance of the light prevents me from making out his features. I suspect it is Duncan though I cannot be sure. He comes over to me and lays his hand on my shoulder. I feel the child stir beside me, restive and jealous. I sense that I am needed, though part of me longs to go on sitting quietly by the window, my child by my side. I rouse myself and turn to the man. To my astonishment he has disappeared. I glance toward the door but all I can see is the vacant frame and the light. I look back at the garden. Your chair is empty. The only sign that you have been sitting there is the notebook you have laid face down on the grass. I turn to the child but he, too, has vanished, leaving a trail of paper cutouts on the floor. I stare at the absence.

I reread the first paragraph of Duncan’s letter again. I feel a fresh stab of pain each time I come across the new name. I gaze at the daisies that have seeded themselves in the lawn. A gust of fear rips through me. What if this time the affair lasts and Duncan does not return? I force myself to my feet and head out through the gate. I walk until the dark presses round me.

Julian is asleep in a chair when I go in. His head rests against his hand and I feel a rush of tenderness as I bend over and kiss his cheek. He opens his eyes and stares at me with an expression of such loathing that for a moment I am taken aback. I stoop to kiss him again but he pushes me away. He jumps from his chair and runs past me. I follow him to his room but he refuses to speak to me. It is only the next day that I realize I walked out on his birthday.