I only find myself whole, here
with you, I can be everything,
I can be me.
I want a house filled with
paintings, books, sunflower dust,
and whispers from you.
Perhaps we should discuss love
but that is a topic for volumes
and I probably don’t have
enough phone battery.
With you, the commitments of love
no longer seem burdensome.
I do not understand you
but that does not worry me;
I barely understand myself.
If you want to be with me
you will make it happen;
there is no bad timing
just excuses.
I didn’t know you wear glasses,
you say.
Only for reading, I reply,
wondering
who have you been looking at
all this time.
Your attention is manic
I wither away, like a peony
under darkened skies
forgetting the touch of your light
for long stretches at a time,
yet I await your return.
How can someone like you
like someone like me?
you ask.
How are you fine
handing me all your sorrows
unwilling to take any of mine?
You lost signal
in the middle of the sentence.
I waited by the phone
yet you never called back,
but I saw updates
on your Instagram.
I have been swallowing
these words for far too long
I just need to say aloud
I love you.
I have been hurt before,
you reply.
Can we take it slow?
I care for you.
I understand,
I lie.
Part II: Unfollowing You
Who needs labels?
you ask.
Let’s just get to know each other.
Sure,
I lie
when I should say
goodbye.
And like last-minute work
skipped workouts
decent bedtime,
leaving you becomes
another thing I put off.
In the end,
it is the things I do willingly
that weigh on me most.
Love leaves in missed good mornings
and forgotten coffee orders;
it is always the small things
that matter most.
My desire for you grew
yours for me faltered
and that should have
been the end.
I understand the comfort
in empty promises.
Like drinking Shasta,
pretending it’s Coca-Cola.
I question
your intentions
never
your goodness.
I pour happiness
to water your soul
but nothing works
I must let you go
I cannot bear it anymore,
how you love
your sadness more.
It is a constant battle:
walking towards
walking away
from you.
I miss you, you say.
I convince myself,
you just need more time.
I cannot love you
I will not love you
I shall not love you
these silent reveries
stay with me all day
because I can tell
this love will destroy me
and though
it is nothing I cannot survive
I am too tired
to keep this uncertainty alive
so just leave
or stay
whichever you choose,
do it all the way.
I am drowning
in the shallow waters
of your affection.
There should have been more.
There is a light felt in the embrace of love
a cozy pastel or shimmery gold
but you are neon red